The Kid and I are big fans of Alton Brown.
He’s a classically trained chef, a filmmaker, a television producer and proud geek. His show, Good Eats, didn’t just teach me how to do something, he also taught me why. A well-trained monkey can turn out a loaf of banana bread but has no idea about the chemistry of baking. Well, this monkey now does.
Alton explained how important cast iron is in the kitchen, talked me through buying my first piece, and showed me how to season and maintain it.
He also was a big influence when it came time for The Kid to pick a college (which turned out to be Alton’s alma mater, the New England Culinary Institute).
Like almost every person with a culinary bent, AB has a laundry list of firmly held opinions. Probably his strongest rule is his belief that uni-taskers (meaning a tool that can do only one thing) are wasteful abominations. He used to say the only uni-tasker he’d own was a fire extinguisher, but then he went and learned how to make ice cream with it.Normally I totally agree with that philosophy, but I just got an awesome new tool, that only has one job. It’s a little stand that holds zip-top bags wide-open so you can fill them hands-free; the Baggy Rack. I got it from Amazon.
I love it.
It’s a terrific little invention. But that got me thinking about all the inventions that weren’t so nifty. The ones that make you wonder if copious amounts of mind-altering substances were ingested in the conception and fabrication processes.
Which brings me to my first annual “What the H-E-Double-hockey-sticks were they thinking?” awards.
Tonight’s nominees:
1.) The plastic floor length umbrella. You’ll be head-to-toe dry, but there’s also a good chance you’ll suffocate to death. But hey, at least your hair will look good for the funeral!
2.) Remote head strap – Keep all your remotes close. Padded, Velcro-ed headgear to attach all your gizmos, so you’ll never lose them. It’s not only a fashion statement—it’s a cry for help!
3.) Baby Stroller/Scooter Hybrid- Adults’ use of a scooter often ends in both injury and ignominy. But it’s lonely in the ER all by yourself. Did somebody say, “Baby’s first broken bone”?
4.) Hourglass Traffic Lights-instead of that boring circular beacon, this comes in the shape of an hourglass so you can see exactly how much time until the light changes. So, keep your eyes heavenward and go the second you see green. And pay no attention to that light-running semi barreling through the intersection.
5.) Ice Cream lock-If you hate to share, this is the invention for you. With a programmable combination lock. Although if you’re the kind of person who would lock up your ice cream, you probably don’t need to worry about other people. Any people. At all. Ever.
6.) The flask tie-Having to wear a tie for work is a drag. Fill this tie with your favorite alcoholic beverage and indulge at your pleasure. Then you can be the most charming guy in the unemployment line.
The winner is…
The Wheelmate – Work desk and computer stand that attaches to your steering wheel. If commuting is cutting into your productivity, or crucial updates of social media, this is the gadget for you. Dangerous? Sure, but look at it this way, if you survive the crash, you’ll have even more time to get busy with tweets and Yelp reviews of the ICU nurses and the hospital cafeteria’s Jell-O.
Humans are so darn creative.
Thanks for your time.
*P.S.-None of these products were made up. For better or worse, somebody invented each one.
Last time I was at Costco I picked up one of their dump truck-sized boxes of mushrooms. I wanted to do something other than the usual mushroom vehicles of gravy, or salad, or soup. I decided to make a pie. The earthiness of mushrooms and potatoes make them perfect for each other. But potatoes and pastry crust are a no-go combo.
2 slices crispy bacon, fat reserved
Remove from oven and let sit 15-20 minutes before serving. Serve with something green. Feeds 8. 
She was the living embodiment of the old saying that beauty is on the inside.
We were literally living in a vacation paradise. We got to experience a culture that for some, was completely unlike anything we’d ever known. Rent and utilities were provided by Uncle Sam and thus microscopic compared to living stateside. There were also far fewer opportunities to spend money on shopping, and eating out.
I’d never been around a horse with a sweeter disposition. She was eager to please in everything she did. Instead of angry and skittish, the unspeakable abuse had made her wise and gentle.
I try to live in a way that leaves me with few regrets. But one of my biggest concern that sweet little mare.
Because of my weakness, the day we handed over the horses, I couldn’t face it and stayed home. I never said goodbye to my sweet, sweet girl. I so wish I had.
Saying goodbye hurts, but it’s an honest pain that we owe to ourselves and the ones we love. Consider it the price of admission.
Eventually, one person had one. Then another person, then word got out about these amazing cookies. Long after they were nothing but a memory, chef-instructors would approach The Kid, and ask if there any cookies left.
Her son Chef Chrissie, makes them for very special dates. He also must use them in some type business negotiations, because he calls them his “never-fail deal closers”.
The secret to these cookies is the dough and how it’s rolled. If the dough gets warm, they won’t work, so unless you work really, really, fast, you will need to refrigerate it every so often while working with it, and before baking. And these need to be rolled super thin—like 1/8-inch thin. Don’t get lazy here, thinness makes a huge difference. You want the finished product thin and crispy as a cracker.
1 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup butter
If you take your time, and use care, you’ll have an elegant, delicious confection to impress. They’re great to have in your back pocket (but not literally—they’d crumble and stain your drawers).
He wasn’t tall, but was as solid as a Sherman tank. He had very large ears and a Roman nose, which meant his profile was convex; with an outward curve. He was the color of warm maple syrup with mahogany mane and tail.
This fact was brought home to me with a bang and a crunch one day when I was fetching him from the pasture where he lived with his horsey harem. He didn’t want to go.
I’m very lucky that he didn’t wear shoes, but even so I probably should have been under concussion protocol. I definitely would have been, if I’d told my parents exactly what happened that day. As far as they knew, Macho was cranky, bumped into me, and knocked me on my keister.
Juanita looked like she was half asleep half of the time. The other half she looked like she was stuffed for display./horse-eye-resized-56a4dbf03df78cf77284fe95.jpg)
One afternoon she and I were taking a ride in an unused pasture. On the return leg of the trip, she decided to turn on the gas. We were a streak of lightening. It was one of the most exultant experiences of my young life.
But of course, she wasn’t rider-less.
How I didn’t break any bones remains a mystery. But all I was left with were bruises and a healthy dislike for one particular sleepy-looking mare. I’d loved horses my entire life, and it seemed I would never have a bond with a horse of my own; maybe there was something wrong with me, and horses just didn’t like me.
To be continued…
To research what might become dinner with a seriously depleted larder, I decided to play a mental version of Chopped, a Food Network show where the competing chefs get a basket of disparate odds and ends, then try to make something original and edible.
Chicken salad flavored and sauced according to what else is in the kitchen. I could make tacos. Or mix it with some Eastern NC bbq sauce and have barbecue night. Chopped and added to a frittata along with whatever kind of cheese on hand and some par-cooked spuds. Folded into some cheese sauce and spooned over rice or pasta. Stirred into soup or white bean chili.
There’s no law that says they have to stay burger-shaped; or if I leave them as burgers, how I must fix them. I could make burger parmesan by laying them in a dish, covering with marinara and melting some mozzarella on top. I could make a cream sauce and have creamed beef burgers on toast. Remold them into meatballs and slowly cook them in sweet and sour sauce, or a sweet smoky barbecue sauce.
You could add veggies, like broccoli or shoe peg corn. You could add bacon to it and then top it with a poached egg. Or, make a frittata by pouring the mac which you’ve prepared according to directions in and around the beaten egg in the skillet. If you want something that takes a little more work, but is heretically indulgent—make the mac, cool it, slice it, and then do a three-part dredge (flour, then egg wash, then breadcrumbs), let it set up in the fridge for at least an hour, then panfry it to golden brown. Top with something green and lightly dressed; for contrast and to lighten it up some.
And last, but actually one of my favorite need-to-go-to-the-grocery-store dinners is breakfast. I scramble up a mess of eggs. I always have a few potatoes floating around my kitchen, which I make into hash browns. Then I add toast, or bacon, or even a small salad. It’s the kind of feel-good meal that might just make you forget (or not care) why you couldn’t make it to the supermarket in the first place.
Thanks for your time.
Through TV, movies, and popular culture people have been programmed with this fabricated notion of what “true love” looks like. It’s a steaming chowder of those vampire/mortal epic romances, one full cup of Ryan/Blake and Channing/Jenna, a dash of that home-flipping reality couple from Texas, and pretty much anything starring Ryan Gosling.
I admit I totally fell for it. Growing up many of my favorite movies had happily ever after endings, and I read enough hearts and flowers literature to fill a frumpy, middle-aged, multiple cat-owning, never been kissed library.
So we’d head home, $100 poorer, with four sore feet from uncomfortable shoes, and two bellies full of indigestion.
Thanks for your time.
With the knowledge to prepare three little items, you can present any number of dishes; from fancy plated dessert, to picnic treat.
The first, and most versatile element is whipped cream. It lends a luscious, dressy air to any dish. And it takes all of about two minutes to make.
The second element is brownies. Everybody loves my brownies. My secret? I start with a box. But then, I tinker.
The third item is chocolate mousse with a secret. The secret is I use a box of cook and serve chocolate pudding, and instead of milk, I use heavy cream. It’s crazy good, and convinces diners that you got it going on. You can either use it warm and rich, or let it cool all the way and whip it in a mixer until it’s light and airy.
Cut the brownie into rounds, put pudding between two pieces, freeze, and you’ve got elevated ice cream sandwiches.
Or, put a big scoop of ice cream on a warm brownie square cover with hot caramel and top with whipped cream.
Thanks for your time.
bull city mom 