Euphoric

September 25, 2017September 25, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

morning after You know it’s been a heck of a weekend if, on Sunday night, you’re craving a salad and a shower.

Last weekend The Kid and I drove down to Greenville, SC and attended the 12^th annual food, drink and music festival, Euphoria. It was an all-you-can-eat, drink, and listen extravaganza.

So, we did.

Saturday afternoon we went to the “Feast by the Field” held in and around Fluor Field on the West End, the stadium for Greenville’s minor league baseball the Drive. Chefs from all around the country cooked up tempting bites that represented them and their style.

The duck, with those amazing collards.

The first bite was one of my favorites of the weekend. It was an empanada filled with slow cooked short rib and served with a green tomato relish and microgreens. Another favorite was a cornbread toast point with duck confit, the best braised collards I’ve ever eaten, and topped with crispy duck cracklings. I asked for the collard recipe, but unfortunately, it came the chef’s grandmother and was not for sharing.

My favorite offering of the event was mini cupcakes. I chose a salted caramel one.

I ate it in two bites.Saturday night was the inaugural Big Easy Bash. It was held in a town near Greenville which is undergoing a kind of renaissance, Traveler’s Rest (is that a cute name for a little town, or what?). It was a celebration of all things New Orleans.

The band, Soda City Brass Band was talented and playful. One of my favorite moments of the night came when the trumpet player broke out his digeridoo and played some jazz.

The band came out into the crowd and a large portion of the of the crowd paraded in front and behind. This is called “Second Line”. My child and I joined the Lousiana and danced our hearts out. The consumption of numerous, brightly colored cocktails may or may not have played a part in our decision.

Tariq Hanna, sugar wizard, and creator of brown butter ganache.

My favorite dish of the night was no surprise, a dessert. The pastry chef actually works in N’awlins and his creation was totally traditional, and at the same time, completely insane. It was a tart, about 3-inches long by ½-inch wide, filled with bread pudding.

So that is unique enough. But he then along the top he piped a line of something I’d never heard of, but which now resides on my short list of favorite foods.

Brown.Butter.Ganache.

How is it that I never heard of this ambrosia? Can you imagine the buckets of it that I have missed eating because I only just discovered it this late in the game? It’s just too depressing to even contemplate.

John Lewis of Lewis Barbecue in Charleston. The Best Short Ribs ever, and the best bite at Euphoria.

Sunday though, was my favorite event. The reason? It was brunch, a delicious hybrid of breakfast foods, lunch fare, and a slice of melon. With an emphasis on barbecue, it was called “Fired Up!”.

And here I discovered and devoured my two favorite of the weekend: pork belly tacos, and short ribs that were so amazing, I told the chef to call me if he ever needed a kidney. Next to him was a pile of stripped bovine rib bones so massive it looked like the aftermath of a cookout at Fred Flintstone’s house.We were lucky enough to have a VIP ticket. It conferred upon us exclusive events, early admissions, and entry to the VIP lounge.

I’ve never been a VIP before. But I have a sneaking suspicion that after this weekend, it’s gonna be tough going back to being a mere “P”.

The Kid and I were so honored to meet Chef Dominique Crenn. What a weekend!

Thanks for your time.

What crazy thing have you done?

September 25, 2017September 25, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I gave you a recipe, Gentle Reader. This week I have a doozy for you.I know from bad neighbors.

One of our neighbors is…challenging. Three people live in the home, and they each have three to five cars which they invariably park on the street around our house. They also own a giant RV which we refer to as Bruce Springsteen’s tour bus. That one used to be parked right in front of our house, leaving us virtually blind to the street and the world beyond. It was like living behind Checkpoint Charlie.

Another neighbor moved in as a newlywed. They had three pit bulls that spent most of the time in the backyard. They barked protectively at anything that moved or was alive. After they’d lived there a few years, the husband was arrested. Turns out he was the regional manager of a murderous drug cartel. Last we saw of him, he was bound for the federal pen.Because we’ve had not-so-hot neighbors, we have no trouble figuring out who the good ones are. And we appreciate those good ones so very much.

Fabian and Lana have lived behind us for more than ten years. They’re flat out awesome and our favorite neighbors—ever. They frequently act as Guinea pigs for my kitchen experiments, and kindly help me out when I’ve made way too many desserts by taking them off my hands. One of Fabian’s favorite treats are my vanilla meringues; little cookies made from whipped egg whites and sugar.

This movie is what did it. I’ve spoken to a ton of folks who have gone vegan because of it. Truthfully, I’m afraid to watch it.

Fabian’s a recent convert to veganism and a professional rapper. He currently is on a tour in Europe. I wanted to make him some treats for the trip. Meringues would have been prefect, but egg whites are off limit now.

I googled “vegan egg whites” expecting the entire internet to laugh at me as one. Instead, I got a result that sounded like a joke. The egg substitute was something that I’ve always discarded, and you, Gentle Reader have probably dumped as well.

It was the liquid from a can of chickpeas.I know, crazy right? But it actually works. It whips right up to stiff peaks, doesn’t taste anything like beans, and bakes up into crispy little morsels that look almost exactly like the real thing. There’s a not unpleasant citrus-like sour component that the traditional confection lacks, but that was the only noticeable difference.

The recipe I used comes from Food Network, but I upped the salt, and added vanilla paste.

Vegan meringues

One 15-ounce can chickpeas

¼ teaspoon cream of tartar

Kosher salt

¾ cup superfine sugar (I just put regular sugar into food processor and ground it fine)

2 teaspoons vanilla paste

Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment.

Strain chickpeas directly into bowl of a stand mixer. Reserve chickpeas for another use. Add cream of tartar and pinch of salt to liquid, and beat on medium-high speed until very foamy. While still beating, add vanilla paste, then sugar, 1 tablespoon at a time. Continue to beat until mixture forms stiff and glossy peaks, about 4 minutes.

Transfer mixture to large pastry bag fitted with large star or round tip. Pipe 2-inch mounds about 2 inches apart onto prepared baking sheets. Bake until meringues are set and no longer glossy, about 2 hours, rotating the trays (from top to bottom) halfway through. Turn oven off, and let meringues sit in closed oven until they’ve dried out inside, about 1 hour more.

Did Fabian like them? vegan meringues Well, in the 2 minutes I was there to deliver them, he ate seven.

Thanks for your time.

Hokum Pocus

September 18, 2017September 18, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

Every October in Junior High, our school would have an assembly. We’d file in and find seats while the extremely creepy first part of Elton John’s “Funeral for a Friend” played on a loop. Then a professional magician would perform for us.

One year, a friend of mine was chosen from the audience to assist the conjuror.

Years ago, my parents took The Kid to a county fair. There was a show by a hypnotist and my child was picked to come on stage. After the magic show, I bugged my schoolmate to distraction for the inside scoop. I pleaded with her to spill. I begged for the confidential poop.

Finally, my poor friend could take it no longer and talked.

When I went to collect The Kid at my parents’ house, they told me about the fair, and turned on the tape made of Svengali’s performance. I watched and laughed at the image of my stoic, stolid, low-key child acting like a chicken, singing like a drunk, and dancing like a bear. hypno

On the drive home I asked one question after another. What did it feel like? How did you feel when the spell was broken? Was there any memory? And could I use hypnosis to win friends and influence people?

Finally, The Kid had it with the interrogation.

At this point, Gentle Reader I must caution you. What follows are major spoilers of magic and similar theatrical performances. I warn you now; if you have no desire to peek behind that curtain, stop. Do not read on.So here is the secret; it’s all a big fat scam.

My friend, the magician’s assistant didn’t give me the technical aspects of the act, but instead explained that the marvelous, magical experience was nothing but a tawdry, sweaty lie. It was a rusty bucket full of mirrors, fishing wire, misdirection, and actual smoke.

And my child revealed that when the “mentalist’s” helper walked each audience member up to the stage, there were furious, whispered instructions to play along, and pretend to be hypnotized. The Kid wasn’t put to sleep and mesmerized, The Kid wasn’t even relaxed. From start to finish it was a put-on, a con, a fraud.A giant, hairy, hoax.

At age 13 I didn’t actually believe that magic was real, but I at least thought that there was a touch of show biz glamour—nope.

My only exposure to hypnosis has been old sit-coms. You know, where one guy is supposed to be hypnotized but the other poor dude starts singing opera whenever the phone rings, or the hypnotist is somehow out of commission and they can’t make the subject stop clucking like a chicken.But as far as I know, hypnosis can be legit. So, I assumed that The Kid and all the other participants on the tape had truly been in a trance.

No dice.

So why, oh why, would anybody waste their time and money and get dressed up and go out to get hoodwinked on purpose? I don’t understand. Where is the fun in having somebody trick you?

Frankly, the whole concept of stage magic makes me really angry. If you are over the age of five, you know it’s not real, so why? Why is it a thing? If there were somebody out there doing I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched, Harry Potter (Yes, I know it’s also make-believe. But, you know what I mean.) real magic, I’d get a second mortgage to buy a ticket to that.

But if I want somebody to lie to me, I’ll ask Petey if I look old.Thanks for your time

The Burning Question

September 18, 2017September 18, 2017 / momsequitur / 1 Comment

I’ve had a genius idea that may change the world in which we live for all time. I am sharing it free of charge, with no other motive but to assist my fellow human.

And, I’ll tell you all about it in a minute.

Clothes shopping for guys is nowhere near as fraught with guilt, anxiety, and frustration as it is for those of us of the female persuasion.

For guilt, we have fast fashion; inexpensive, trendy clothing that usually comes from overseas, and thus has possibly been manufactured under less than ethical circumstances. That might be an adorable $15 sweater, but it also may have been produced by a child, in a tyrannical dictatorship. And then, there’s the internal debate to determine our worthiness of the money about to be spent. Do we really deserve this?Anxiety arrives in the dressing room with an overly critical eye. The accompanying soundtrack is the echo of every intrusive voice that has ever commented on a woman’s body. The chorus consists of moral judgments about the tightness of the pants, the height of the skirt, or the depth of the neckline.

The third horseman of the shopping apocalypse is frustration. There is no standard when it comes to size. Even within the same store or designer collection. In a brick and mortar store it manifests in the necessity of trying on four sizes of the same garment to get a good fit. That’s bad enough. But it makes online clothes shopping a nightmare.

This unreliability of clothes sizing leads me right back to my brilliant brainstorm.I have very little stamina when it comes to spicy food. My palate has an extremely low tolerance for fiery. Sometimes a surfeit of black pepper can be too much. And it’s not that I’m a baby, or a picky eater. I’d love to able to chow down on the kind of food that brings a tear to one’s eye. But it literally causes me pain.

The hottest pepper that I can usually eat is the relatively mild poblano. Although a big fan of fried foods, jalapeno poppers have never crossed my lips, and four-alarm chili is at least 3 & ¾ alarms too many.The substance that creates the heat in peppers is a compound called capsaicin. It’s quantified with something called the Scoville index. This number can vary from zero in bell peppers and pimentos, to 1000-2000 for poblanos, to 2.2 million for the newly engineered Carolina Reaper. To illustrate this amount of hellfire, eating a whole Reaper can carry with it the possible side effects of hallucinations and death. Heck, the lowest level of weapons-grade pepper spray comes in at 2,000,000.

Based on the scale, it’s easy for anyone to figure out their heat tolerance.But when shopping or dining out, one must make do with complete subjectivity. Bottles of salsa are labeled, ‘hot’, ‘medium’, or ‘mild’. Restaurants are even worse. Try asking a server about the level of heat in a dish, and you’ll get something like, “It’s not too hot”, or “It’s a little spicy”. There needs to be a better way.

Well, now there is, and it’s my proposition; instead of leaving your well-being to vague generalities, declare the spiciness in concrete Scoville units. Put it right on the menu or label. You’ll know exactly what you’re getting into.

Then never again will the timid of palate take a bite of a dish marked “mild”, and feel like they’re dining on a heaping helping of volcanic lava.Thanks for your time.

Tattoo You

September 12, 2017September 12, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo, but please don’t misunderstand me.

I shed blood with a disturbing regularity. From kitchen knives to the zipper on my Levi’s, if something has an edge, I figure out a way to perforate myself with it. But because I hate needles and shots so very much, I haven’t had a tetanus shot since the 11^th grade, when I wrecked my friend Billy’s motorcycle. And what is a tattoo, if not getting a few hundred thousand shots, one right after the other?I’ve been thinking about the act of a random human getting a tattoo.

The most important thing our random human must do is make an informed decision about the what and where of it.

Do you really want to be full when you’re faced with this?

It’s like a being at a buffet the length of a football field, and you can only eat so much before you drop dead. What if there’s a lot of good stuff up front? Your plate might be filled before you get to items that may be chocolate. Or have frosting.

Yup, somebody did this on purpose.

So, what if you pick something ridiculous to have permanently inked on your body? You think the internet has a long memory? Think about the permanence of a portrait of Santa, Martha Stewart, and Churchill playing Yahtzee while wearing footy pajamas inked upon your tender flesh. Or decisions made while under the influence of chemicals. Or under the influence of the one, highly moronic buddy everybody has; you know the one with ideas that sound “Epic Bro!” late at night, but more like utter lunacy in the cold light of day?

Yeah, that guy.Maybe you don’t pick something dumb, or offensive, or pornographic. But maybe, you pick one that screams. “Drunken sorority girl on spring break 2002”. There are reputable tattoo shops who refuse to do tired clichés like butterflies, dolphins, and roses.

And you know there’s no Grammarly anywhere on your body. Misspellings and grave grammatical errors can and do occur. Do you really want to travel this road called life with “Daddy’s little angle”, “Never don’t give up”, or “You only live wunce”?

Keep looking…there’s a second one.

Okay, you’ve thought about everything that can go wrong, picked something totally original and meaningful, and there are no words to misspell. It’s now time to figure out where it’s gonna go.

Will it be in a secret spot that only you, your physician, and the TSA know about? Or will this art be for public consumption? The tattooist will shave hairy areas before they’re inked. But unless you want that spot-on Madonna portrait to look like the bearded lady at the circus, you’re going to need to keep on shaving.Don’t forget the thousands of needle pricks. Unless there’s not an inch of sag or flab on your bod, there’s a troubling dichotomy; soft padded areas are tough to legibly ink and tight bony places are excruciatingly painful. And some places are both soft and painful; like palms of hands and soles of feet. Palms and soles also fade fairly quickly. So, you’ve spent hours paying lots of your hard-earned money to someone to torture you, and it fades to illegibility in eighteen months.

It’s imperative that you make a considered decision when picking the body part to be decorated. For most people, tattooed faces and hands signal the human canvas has given up on polite society. Tattooist put this thought in a different, harsher statement; they call the locations: “everlasting job stoppers”.

Don’t call us, we’ll call…Hey! What are you doing with that knife?

But really, all joking aside, there are plenty of intelligent, thoughtful folks who choose to be tatted up (The Kid is one of them). It’s not my bag, but hey, you do you.

My point and plea is think before you ink. Like tattooist Craig Jackman from American Electric Tattoo Company in Los Angeles says, “I like it when people put thought into their stupid ideas.”Thanks for your time.

…and Trey makes three

September 12, 2017September 12, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

Euphoria, the Greenville, SC food, wine, and music festival is coming up in a week and a half (September 21-24). And today we have come to an end of our chef chats.

This week Chef Trey Bell is under the culinary microscope. Chef Trey is a Columbia SC native who has spent time in the kitchen of Wylie Dufresne. Chef Dufresne is famous for spearheading the molecular gastronomy phenomena. Currently, Chef Bell can be found in his Greensboro eatery LaRue Elm paying homage to Southern cuisine. In August, he opened RueBar which uses unique, artisanal components.

What follows are my questions and his verbatim answers.

1.) For your tomato sandwich: Duke’s, Hellmann’s or homemade? What kind of bread? Dukes, Cheapest white bread I can buy – Wonder bread2.) What is your “Can’t wait to get your hands on” seasonal ingredient, and what’s your favorite treatment? Chanterelles; Confit & jar them and serve on toast

3.) What is your guilty pleasure? Mcrib, big mac, large diet coke and a large French fry

4.) What do you make when you get home from La Rue and it’s late, and you’re hungry? Shin black ramen noodles with a raw egg cracked in

5.) What five tools can you not live without? Tourne knife, circulator, combi-oven, deep fryer and food dehydrator6.) What five ingredients can you not cook without? Salt, butter, garlic, shallots, olive oil

7.) What is one dish that a novice cook should learn for entertaining that’s easy, impressive, and inexpensive? (Any recipe you care to share will be highly appreciated)

Frittata: Chanterelles, San Marzano tomatoes, poke greens, eggs & cream and gruyere

8.) What in the culinary world angers or disappoints you? Terms like mixology and farm-to-table … because they’re so misrepresented9.) What in the culinary world pleases you and gives you hope for the future? Influx of small producers that we’re seeing more and more of… a lot of farmers are more interested in old, heirloom varietals…

10.) What’s your birthday dinner? Oysters & bourbon on the coast in SC (Feb birthday so oysters are still so good at this time) – my SC birthday dinner

11.) What do you take on a picnic? Epoisse, Spanish red wine (tempranillo or rioja), crusty bread

12.) What food trend or ingredient are you totally and completely over? Kale13.) What is the best way for passionate but not affluent people to discover fine dining? Pour over cookbooks in a book store – new stuff by Phaedon (new Nordic cuisine, Peruvian cuisine)

14.) You worked with Wylie Dufresne, who by anybody’s yardstick is an imaginative, innovative chef. What’s the most ambitious, mad scientist idea you’ve had, have you tried it, and if so how did it work out? We made a layered terrine out of pigs’ ears… sous vide them and packed into terrine mold… sliced cross cut and fried one side and served with toast points/crostini… it was absolutely ridiculous! Served at LaRue Elm upon opening… we may even have a photo!15.) What is one thing about you that nobody would ever guess? I rebuild typewriters and old brass blade fans… I know how to restore them and Brittany Spears TOXIC is a top 10 favorite song and I’ve seen the movie CLUELESS more than any other movie

I hope you’ve enjoyed this series as much as I have. Despite the different personalities, philosophies, and even geographic locations, these chefs, and almost all chefs have two necessary traits in common.

Creativity and generosity.Thanks for your time.

Sing! Um, Debbie…why don’t you hum?

September 4, 2017September 5, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

When The Kid was in middle school, if there were a few minutes to kill at the end of class, one of the teachers had a game. He’d play short snippets of songs from the 70’s or 80’s and the students would attempt to “Name That Band”.

The Kid participated three times, then was prohibited from playing again.

The reason? The Kid smoked those classmates like a Smithfield ham. My child was infallible. And with this walking database competing, the other students never stood a chance.

The lifetime ban was imposed on The Kid; but the fault lay with me, my mom, and my big brother, Homer.

She actually owned this album.

Since birth, I was around music. As a teenager, my bobby-soxer mom rushed home from school each day to watch American Bandstand. In those days, the show was on live from Philadelphia; Mom lived about an hour away. A very young Dick Clark was the host (think Ryan Seacrest with more teeth, hair, and charm), and they had a regular cast of dancers. My mom knew the name and back story of each one.

So, I was bathed in fifties rock and roll from birth. I was the only toddler on the block who knew the difference between Chubby Checker (The Twist) and Fats Domino (Ain’t That a Shame, Blueberry Hill). In kindergarten, my heroes were Captain Kangaroo, Chuck Berry, and Bobby Sherman (I thought he was cute).

See? I told you he was cute.

Then my brother became a musical mentor. At seven I was convinced Rod Stewart and Janis Joplin were siblings because they had similar gravelly voices. I loved The Band’s album, “Music from the Big Pink”, because I was enchanted with the idea of living in a pink house. My favorite songs were the Beatle’s “Maxwell Silver Hammer”, never knowing that the catchy tune was about a violent lunatic on a killing spree, and “Cecelia” from Simon and Garfinkle, blissfully unaware of the equally adult theme of desertion by a faithless lover.

My groovy tape player. And my tapes were stored in a special cassette suitcase.

I started high school just before the premiere of MTV and videos of popular music. If I wasn’t watching music on TV, I was listening to it on the radio or my bright yellow portable cassette player. One of my very first dates with Petey was to a Rod Stewart concert (Here’s something both crazy and heartbreaking: the tickets were $8 each).The Kid was born to Cab Calloway’s “Minnie The Moocher” and raised with all kinds of music. At 4, my child became the coolest kid in preschool when our family went to an Aerosmith concert. Whenever we were in the car, the radio was on, and music from the 70s and 80s was playing.

And, we were playing “Name That Band”. Which brings us back to the middle school prohibition.

So, there has been a soundtrack to the whole of my life.

An actual photo of me, at a concert.

But here’s the thing. I can’t sing, and my musical ability is nil. Despite a year of lessons, I can neither play the flute nor read music. To play a tune, I manually counted out the note on the sheet music, then looked up the fingering. In that manner, it takes about six weeks to play the opening to “Silver Bells”. My band teacher kindly suggested that during concerts I replace my flute playing efforts with motion, but no sound.

In response to earnest familial entreaties, I have promised to never sing out loud.

But if Sinead O’Conner’s belting out “Nothing Compare 2U”, Billy Preston’s crooning to “Mrs. Jones”, or Foreigner’s singing anything, all bets are off, and they know to cover their ears, and/or leave the room.Thanks for your time.

Three to get ready

September 4, 2017September 4, 2017 / momsequitur / Leave a comment

This is week three of our conversation with Chef Dominique Crenn, 2016’s world best female chef and participant in this year’s Euphoria food and wine festival in Greenville SC, on the weekend of September 21-24. Along with other chefs, including La Farm’s Master Baker Lionel Vatinet, Chef Dominique’s innovative and imaginative cuisine will be showcased Saturday evening at the Seeing Stars dinner.

Iron Chef America is a competition series based on the hit Japanese show. It pits a stable of chefs; dubbed “Iron Chefs”, against chef-challengers. The two go head to head in Kitchen Stadium. Using a mystery theme ingredient, a culinary battle ensues during which each chef creates a minimum of five dishes.New Iron Chefs were anointed in The Next Iron Chef, a single elimination series with ten of America’s premiere chefs competing for the title. In 2009, Chef Dominique competed in season two, which eventually saw Jose Garces winning the title.

In a case of sweet, sweet karma, in 2010 she competed on Iron Chef America where she trounced Chef Michael Symon in battle yogurt.

Chef Michael Symon. He’s not just unhappy about that ugly jacket he’s wearing…

Chef Crenn and I recently had a phone interview. This is the third and final part of that conversation.

Iron Chef; where by the way you were robbed, Oh, you are sweet, but I didn’t want to. Oh Really? Looking back, I am not someone who would be happy doing that.How did you keep coming up with such imaginative and original dishes during the competition? You know, I’d just look at the ingredient and try to understand what the ingredient is about. Kind of like, go back, deep into your memories, and do things that perhaps, you have eaten before; maybe what you mother used to cook, and you’re just being creative, you know? And it’s quite interesting, because you compete with others that don’t have the same background that you have or come from the same country. Obviously, this is not France, and that was my point of reference. Then you are judged by those that are not French at all, so I try to connect with them. It was a lot of fun–it was a lot of fun.Things that you guys came up with, week after week, some of them should have been classics. You wonder why someone hadn’t come up with that fifty years ago. One time they gave me a sea cucumber to cook. But they didn’t give me fresh, they gave me frozen sea cucumber, and I’m like, “Really? Are you serious?” So, anyway.

I have one more question for you, and I won’t steal any more of your time. What is one thing about you, that no one would ever guess? I used to be a little ballerina. Yeah, I was not disciplined enough, I guess. And, I was so bored. Yeah.Chef, thank you so very much for taking time for this.

Chef Dominique Crenn may not have had the discipline for ballet, but she had enough to earn a baccalaureate in economics and a bachelor’s degree in international business from the Academy of International Commerce of Paris, then move to San Francisco and start her education all over in some of the best restaurants and under the tutelage of its best chefs. And only nine years later she was so well regarded she moved to Indonesia as the area’s first female executive chef.

I’ll bet, on that journey, she was never bored.Next week is the last pre-Euphoria chef chat. Chef Trey Bell, of Greensboro’s LaRue Elm, will be under the microscope.Thanks for your time.

Fictional? Or not so much?

August 28, 2017 / momsequitur / 2 Comments

This week, Gentle Reader, we’re going to play a game.

I don’t know, maybe my family’s just weird. Or maybe not.

But we have this stock of imaginary characters that have developed over the years. Like Ned and Joey; two hapless, clueless guys we invented that fill in whenever the regular guy goes to lunch. If your cheeseburger arrives with no cheese, Ned and Joey made it. If the jacket you ordered never arrives, Ned and Joey were working the warehouse that day.

So, presented in no particular order are profiles of both real and made-up people. After reading the sketches, try to figure out which ones are actual, authentic humans, and which are not. There’s no prize, but you get to carry the knowledge that you possess a keen insight into the human condition.Or something.

Good luck and let’s go!

Cholly is a Polish-American whose back pocket is never without a can of beer. He’s a hard man with a soft heart. When he was younger he owned and ran a pizza stand and a toy store at the flea market. Despite fathering three children, he takes the greatest pride in his vegetable garden.

Susan works as the head of HR. She’s unmarried and lives with her cat, Hobnob Jaworsky Winklestinky. She’s very social, asking co-workers over often for Bachelor viewing parties. She tries too hard though, and her parties invariably find her sitting alone with her cat, sipping on wine-in-a-pouch.Joe Cuffy was a retired farmer whose ill-temper made his sunset years solitary ones. A man of routine, he walked three miles every morning at sun up. One morning, in a thick fog, he was hit by a Maola milk truck and knocked into a ditch. Unfortunately, the truck driver never knew he hit anyone, and due to his reputation, no one noticed he was missing. His body was found three days later after the rats had feasted.

Miss Margie is the modern, middle-aged Melanie Wilkes. Her manners are perfect, as is her ability to shield her true feelings from everyone. Her anger looks exactly like her fear, and her impatience, and her pleasure. She is an amazing cook and fierce protector of children and animals. She’s never owned a pair of blue jeans.Edwin is an accomplished pilot and a pianist of almost professional ability. He returned to school in his fifties and became a pathologist. He is equal parts insanely protective, and punishingly hard on his children. He is educated and refined, but just might trim his toenails at your cocktail party, because it amuses him and shocks others. He has a laugh that sounds both child-like and demented.

Haboobika is not his given name, but no one knows that and even he has almost forgotten it. He’s worked as a carny since he ran away with one at fourteen. He has more tattoos than teeth. He’s been to every state in the nation and “knows a guy” in every city he’s ever visited. He’s never been legally married but has nine exes.Have you placed your bets?

Uncle Cholly is real. Susan is fictional, though Hobnob Jaworsky Winklestinky was the name of a real human from the Outer Banks. Joe Cuffy is a made-up, mythical creation. Miss Margie was an absolutely authentic Southern Bell, and my friend Kat’s beloved grandmother. Edwin also exists, but Haboobika does not.

So, how’d you do?

And look at it this way. No matter what, reading it gave you five minutes when you weren’t thinking about politics or hurricanes, or T. Swift versus Kanye.Thanks for your time.

Profile, the second, part deux

August 28, 2017August 29, 2017 / momsequitur / 2 Comments

*This column will be running on Wednesday, August 30, on the food page of The Henderson Daily Dispatch.

Last week I shared the first portion of my telephone interview with Chef Dominique Crenn in advance of her participation at the Euphoria Festival in Greenville SC, on the weekend of September 21^st. She’s chef/owner of Michelin-starred Atelier Crenn and Petit Crenn in San Francisco. Chef Dominique was also named world’s best female chef in 2016.

Here is the second part of that conversation.

What are some items that you can’t cook without? A good spoon to test. What…, salt, great olive oil…French olive oil? From Spain; great organic olive oil. I know, I love the French, but the Spanish is just amazing. I’ve spent a lot of time in Spain. A lot of great cheese…French cheese.

What is your favorite cheese? You know I love comte cheese, and blue cheese, Roquefort or Fourme d’Ambert.

So, you know, I need to have a scale in the kitchen too.

What is one dish that a novice should learn that is inexpensive, but which also can be used for entertaining? They need to learn how to make the best French omelet. What in the culinary world angers or disappoints you? When people don’t think before cooking. They are not conscious and thoughtful about what they are buying. In a restaurant also, you know? Restaurants have a responsibility not only to cook, but to the farmers and the community that we are living in. I think it’s important for us to be involved in any way that we can with the community that surrounds us. And we are not growing the food, the farmers are growing the food. Just get involved—get involved with your rancher, get involved with your fishmonger, get involved with the person that is making cheese—get involved with your community. And when they don’t do it, that really angers me.

So, what in the food world makes you happy and gives you hope for the future? Children give me hope. Food is the core of the society. If there is no food, no understanding of what food is, then there is no society.How do you deal with the stuff that you have to put up with as a female chef? My approach is to be smarter than they are, without putting them down. I deal with it with in the most intellectual and positive way I can. If I’m dealing with someone who’s acting with much annoyance, I just don’t answer them.

What do you pack for a picnic? A good bottle of wine; rose wine. A beautiful French baguette. Different types of cheeses, some pickled vegetables, maybe some jam, some type of seafood, chacouterie, a lot of beautiful fruit from the market. But I think a baguette with butter and cheese, and cornichon is good enough for me.What’s the best way for passionate, but not affluent people to enjoy fine dining? When you want to appreciate something, you have to go with an open mind, let go of your surroundings and surrender yourself to what it is. I know it can be kind of expensive, but I created another spot, Petit Crenn where people can come and enjoy the passion and the love that we create. And I’m opening, in the fall, Bar Crenn, which is going to be ala carte, also, adjacent to Atelier. I’m going to be offering ala carte, but also be offering maybe a couple of tasting menus which will be less expensive than Atelier Crenn. I want to welcome everyone.

Next week we will conclude our conversation with Chef Crenn. She told me a couple things that surprised me, and might give you a surprise, as well.Thanks for your time.

bull city mom

personal stories of food, cooking, stuff & things

Author: momsequitur