Author: momsequitur

Yeah? You Gotta Go Through Me First

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This column originally had a different title.  More on that later.

The Kid was raised to have a deep appreciation for Star Trek, cartoons, and cheesy horror movies.

Then due to either nature, nurture, or a combination of both, my child took this inheritance and ran with it.  I in turn, was exposed to Doctor Who, British comedies, and graphic novels (the graphic novels didn’t take—I could never work up any love for them).

Supercon Man.

This past weekend was the Raleigh Supercon; a convention celebrating all of these areas of interest.  The Kid bought a three-day pass and gifted me with one, as well.GhostbustersIn addition to genre specific shopping and perhaps meeting actors from TV and movies, I expected to be surrounded by pasty and pathetic geeks, nerds, and dorks.  I would spend my weekend pointing and laughing.

The reality was a bit different.

We met some celebrities.  Boy, did we meet some celebrities.We met Tony Todd, the actor who had a recurring role playing Worf’s brother Kurn on Star Trek, The Next Generation.  He was so kind and interesting.  We went back to see him today to say thanks and goodbye.  We were rewarded with hugs and a peculiar but brilliant piece of wisdom.  We told him how nice we thought he was and he said, “I don’t understand being ugly to people.  It takes too much time.”

We met LeVar Burton; who was Geordie on STNG, and Brent Spiner; Data.

Mr Burton was very nice and Brent Spiner was friendly, goofy, and charming.  I got a hug, and so did The Kid. We met Michael Rooker, the blue guy from the Guardians of the Galaxy movies and also Grant from the Citizen Kane of horror comedies; Slither.  He’s the fun uncle that lets you drive his truck at age 12, and gives you your first beer at 14.  You’ll come away with epic stories, and maybe a tattoo or two.

On Saturday, we met Alex Kingston.  She is River Song on Doctor Who.  River is fierce, brilliant, loving and dangerous.  River Song is a role mode and the definition of strong, wise, resourceful womanhood.

River Song.

We saw her again Sunday afternoon, fifteen minutes after the announcement of the identity of the actor named as the new doctor.  For the first time ever, it’s a woman: Jodie Whittaker.

The 13th Doctor; Jodie Whittaker.

I was in the restroom, washing my hands, and guess who was at the next sink?

Acting completely out of character, I said hello and walked away.  It’s a strict policy; I do not accost actresses in the bathroom.

But, I was waiting for her outside.  I asked for her reaction to the casting decision.  Her words exactly: “I think it’s great, I’ve worked with her. She’s lovely!”

Empty Astronaut

Creepy, no?  This is a Vashta Nerada From the Doctor Who episode, “The Silent Library”.

Just call me ‘Scoop’ Matthews.

It was an eye-opening weekend.  Every single person, without exception was friendly and thoughtful.

The original title of this essay was, ‘Nerd-con 2017’.

But it and my pre-convention, condescending attitude were wrong.  Yes; when you picture the whole sci-fi scene, certain stereotypes come to mind.  And yes, there is some truth to them.

Svenghoulie

You might want to look over my left shoulder…Where’s Data!?!  Just over my left shoulder!!!

But then you get to know them and realize they’re so very much more.

They are smart, funny, kind, and deeply protective of one another.

So, all those one-dimensional nerds that were mere comedy fodder didn’t actually exist.  Instead was a building full of friends.  And while we may gently tease each other out of love, we’d better not catch any outsiders being mean. poison ivy‘Cause it ain’t right, and we ain’t having it.

20170714_163438

The littlest Doctor.

Thanks for your time.

 

Kitchen Remedy

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There is a curse falsely attributed to an ancient Chinese sage: ‘May you live in interesting times.

It has been one heck of an interesting week at Chez Matthews.

Sunday I woke up to a water heater which had gone to the great utility room in the sky.  Tuesday we paid more than the budget of our 1983 wedding to replace it.

On Thursday while running errands, the clutch on the jeep gave up and died—in traffic.

I called The Kid for rescue, and while waiting, walked the final mile to the drug store.  In case you’ve forgotten, it was muggy, and 96.

So, Gentle Reader, when I arrived home from that ordeal: walking, waiting for a tow truck, and taking the car to the shop, I was hot, sweaty, frustrated, worried, and about as stressed as a thong on a Sumo wrestler.And, it was dinner time.

The meal I’d planned on making was both time- and labor-intensive.  I’ve been whipping this up as long as I’ve been married, and getting it ready for the oven used to take about four hours.  As my cooking skill increased, the prep time decreased, but it still took a good ninety minutes from start to stove.

The recipe was a seafood casserole I’d gotten from the matriarch of the Murphy clan, Mama Cat.

The last thing I wanted to do was to spend all that time in the kitchen chopping, and mixing, and sautéing.

Or so I thought.

When I told Petey, he said that it was fine, and he’d eat whatever I felt like making.  What I felt like was a fifth of bourbon and a gallon of dark chocolate ice cream.  And maybe a good cry in the shower.But then I really looked at Petey.  And I could tell that he’d been looking forward to Mama Cat’s dish.  It was his four-wheeled baby which broke, and he deserved some pampering.

So, after my shower, I put on some music, and got to work.

Mama Cat’s Famous Seafood Casserole

seafood cass2-6 ounce boxes original Uncle Ben’s Long Grain and Wild Rice (prepared according to directions, minus 1/2 cup water)

1 large bag frozen salad shrimp

1 white onion, chopped

1 orange bell pepper, chopped

3 stalks celery, sliced

1 pound mushrooms, cleaned and sliced.

4 cloves minced garlic

2 tablespoons butter

½ cup white wine

Sauce:

cass sauce

1 cup mayonnaise

1 cup milk

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

Salt & pepper

Make rice according to directions, (omitting 1/2 cup water).

While the rice is cooking, sauté all the veg except garlic, in butter on medium.  Season.  When the liquids cooked off, and vegetables are lightly caramelized, stir in garlic.  Cook 2 minutes, then pour in wine. Stir to scrape browned bits off pan. When the wine’s gone, stir together rice, shrimp, veg.

Whisk sauce together.

Put everything in a large bowl and stir until it’s all combined.

Bake at 375 for thirty minutes, covered with foil, and then thirty minutes, uncovered, on middle rack, under low broiler.

Let sit twenty minutes before service.  Serves 6 hearty eaters. That time I spent getting the dish in the oven was therapeutic.  After days of stuff I couldn’t control, there was finally something I could.  It was deeply restorative.

And thanks to the crack team at Mr. Tire, we had the jeep back, good as new, in less than 24 hours.  And we’ve got at least another dinner in leftovers.

But I’m really starting to worry about a noise the washing machine is making…Thanks for your time.

Love Letter To The Sand

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There’s one huge bonus which comes from growing up in a Coast Guard family.Every base where my Dad was stationed was on the water.  I’ve lived on both coasts, the Gulf of Mexico, the Caribbean, the beautiful Pasquotank river, and Lake Michigan.

When I was 5, we lived in Alabama  The Coast Guard owned cottages on Dauphin Island, approximately 35 miles from our house in Mobile.  We stayed there occasionally on vacation.  But the much more important aquatic story took place in Mobile at the end of our street, at the neighborhood swimming pool.

I think my Coast Guard rescue swimmer father is part otter, so he was the designated swimming pool, river, ocean, overly-filled bathtub, deep-potholes-after-a-heavy-rain parent. Dad and I spent many hours together in the water.

FB_IMG_1497871809790_resized
The Ross family, circa 1969, at home in Mobile.  From left; Homer, Blond Bombshell Mom, Bud, Dad, and me.

One day I was bobbing around in the shallow end when I saw a kid younger than me swimming.  I thought to myself, “I’ll bet I could do that.”

And, just like that, I did.

Oh, don’t misunderstand me.  This was a graceless stroke that a drunken penguin might employ.  But I was swimming; and I’d taught myself.  My style could be refined later.Four years later, we were living in Elizabeth City.  My folks sent me to a Girl Scout camp in Virginia.

Yeah, it did.  It totally did.

This was where I got formal swim training.  I became proficient in all the strokes, and a junior life saver.

Later that year we moved to Puerto Rico.  We lived on a military base on the very northwestern corner of the island, thus were surrounded by beaches.  The base also had two Olympic-sized pools.  For three full years, I swam somewhere almost every day.

This is where I learned what an undertow was, and how to deal with it: Don’t fight it-you’ll only exhaust yourself, which is when people drown.  Keep your head up and tread water until you come out the other side, then swim to shore—you’ll know when you’re out.

I was best friends with Kitty Murphy. We were inseparable, and became honorary members of each other’s families.

Lighthouse Beach at Punta Borinquen, in Puerto Rico.  The spot where I learned all about flushing.

Very often I would tumble into the car with the rest of the Murphy kids for trips to the beach.  I learned how to body surf, and learned the definition of an ocean related phenomenon: being flushed.

A truly unpleasant and unnerving experience, flushing is when one is caught up in a breaking wave and held underwater while the ocean spins you like a Maytag washer.  It’s an occasional, unavoidable occurrence when body surfing.

The entire Murphy clan found it pie-in-the-face funny.  Truthfully, I did too, when it wasn’t happening to me.  It’s hilarious to see someone furious with the ocean.

Always a classic.

My beach of choice has always been the Outer Banks.  My very favorite thing to do in the ocean gives poor Petey heart failure.  I swim straight out as far and fast as I can (maybe a quarter mile), stop and rest a minute, then turn around and swim to shore.

I relish testing my limits and the absolute solitude.  Petey sits on the sand and mentally rehearses the phone call to inform my parents their only daughter has drowned, been eaten by a shark, or lost in international shipping lanes.My watery tale has a heartbreaking ending.

In 1986 we moved to the Piedmont and four hours from the beach.  My maritime opportunities dwindled drastically.  It has now been so long, I no longer even own a bathing suit.

So, if you hear I’ve been arrested for indecent exposure, don’t worry.

It just means I’ve finally gone swimming.Thanks for your time.

The Struggle Is Real…

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So, who knew it was so muggy on the surface of the sun?Not only do I loathe these 1000 degree days with humidity of 94%, I’m not too crazy about the people who claim to love them.  Plus, I’m not totally convinced they’re telling the truth.

I mean, c’mon!  Do they also love paper cuts and black licorice?

Yeah, sure they do.

I know I’m really good at hiding it, but I’ll let you in on a little secret; the NC summer makes me kinda cranky.  And hot food and hot kitchens just make me crankier.Here’s a perfect summer day for me: fall.

This time of year, I am on a one-woman mission to make farmers rich buying ingredients for an ever-expanding collection of salad recipes.

I always have dried fruits and nuts in the fridge.  It can be any combination.  Mine rotates often; currently, it’s butter-toasted pecans with cherries.  They’re for salads and a million other uses.

Honey poached pears with blue cheesepoached pears3 Bosc pears, peeled, halved, and cored

½ cup honey

1 ½ cups water

¾ cup white wine

½ teaspoon each, kosher salt and freshly cracked pepper

Place water, wine, salt & pepper into large saucepan.  Pour in honey and dissolve.  Add pears, cut side down and cover pot.  Cook on medium-low until a knife easily pierces the fruit (about 20 minutes).  Refrigerate until service.

Dressingblue cheese dr2/3 cup mayonnaise

½ cup buttermilk

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

Salt & pepper

1/3 cup blue cheese, crumbled

½ cup sliced, toasted almonds

Whisk first 4 ingredients together, fold in cheese, season.  Refrigerate for 2 hours.  For service: place one pear on each plate, spoon over dressing, and sprinkle almonds on top.  Serves 6.

Mushroom Ranch Saladshroom salad

4 cups cleaned and sliced mushrooms

½ cup dried fruits and nuts

2 handfuls baby spinach

Salt & pepper

Ranch dressing

Toss first three ingredients.  Add dressing a bit at a time until the salad is barely coated.  Season to taste.  Serves 2.

Warm duck saladwarm duck salad3 duck breasts

3 cups fingerling potatoes, cut into coins and cooked in boiling salted water until fork-tender

½ cup dried fruits and nuts

6 cups mixed salad greens

Shaved white onion

1/3 cup goat cheese

Salt & pepper

Balsamic dressing

Preheat oven to 400 degrees..  Season duck breasts and score skin with very sharp knife into diamond shapes.  Place duck, skin side down into cold cast iron skillet and cook on medium until skin is crispy and golden (8-10 minutes).  Pour off duck fat and save, flip duck skin side up, and move to oven.  Cook until internal temp is around 135 degrees and the meat is medium-rare.Remove from pan and let rest.

While the meat is resting, put potatoes into skillet, and cook, tossing occasionally, until they are browned and crusted, seasoning as needed.

To plate: Put salad greens into a large bowl and add onions, fruits and nuts.  Season.  Drizzle on dressing and toss until lightly coated.  Divide greens onto three plates, sprinkle top with goat cheese, and scatter potatoes onto the edge of the greens.  Slice duck and lay against the spuds.  Serves 3.

Slightly Calmer Spouse Salad

Serves 1spouse salad5 cups salad greens

1/3 cup fruit and nuts

1/3 cup crumbled goat or blue cheese

Shaved white onion

Salt & pepper

Balsamic dressingbread wineFresh whole wheat roll and real butter

Very large glass of chilled wine

Toss salad, season, and lightly dress.  Enjoy meal alone, while in pajamas and watching reality TV, or reading a beach book.  And relax—it’ll be cool in October.Thanks for your time.

This farro, and no farther

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You know the very best thing about farro?    Farro’s extremely versatile.  This chewy little grain which can be used in a myriad of delicious ways also tastes awesome as-is, right out of the cooking pot.

Farro is hulled wheat.  Wheat is either free-threshing, which means the outer sheath is soft and easy to remove, or hulled.  Hulled wheat normally includes wild wheat and other ‘ancient grains’.

It’s similar to barley in both taste and texture (but I like farro better).  It’s chewy and nutty.  Or, if you cook it a little less, it will be lightly crunchy and nutty.  I prefer softer, because then it’s as comforting as a new pair of flannel pajamas after a warm bath.  Farro’s also high in protein, fiber and B complex vitamins and it’s pretty low in gluten—so those are some really healthy flannel pj’s.And many fans of old school hot cereal have unknowingly eaten bowls of farro in the form of ‘Cream of Farina’.  But regular farro makes a pretty nifty hot cereal as well.  You can make a big pot when you have time, then just nuke and dress it for breakfast.

The grains actually have two cooking times and procedures to go along with them.

For the crunchier version, put salted water in a heavy saucepan like you would for pasta; but at least 6/1 water to farro ratio.  Bring the water to a boil, add farro, lower the temp to medium and cook, uncovered for around thirty minutes.  Drain and serve.  A serving size is ¼ cup uncooked.

But I just really enjoy the mouth feel that slower cooking gets you.  The other night I made a new farro recipe to go along with some parmesan crusted chicken cutlets.  I did all the prep work well in advance so, when we were about an hour and a half out from dinner, all I had to do was apply heat.

Farro Florentinefarro florentine3/4 cup farro

2 ¼ cups chicken broth

¼ cup dried mushrooms

¼ cup sundried tomatoes, cut into strips

2 teaspoons umami or tomato paste

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

½ teaspoon dry thyme

1 teaspoon fresh rosemary, minced

4 cloves roasted garlic

1 tablespoon olive oil + 1 teaspoon for roasting garlic

¼ cup Marsala wine

Salt & pepper

3 large handfuls of baby spinach

Parmesan cheese

Roast garlic: Set oven to 350.  Place peeled cloves on a piece of foil.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper, and drizzle with 1 teaspoon olive oil.  Close foil, making airtight package.  Bake for 45 minutes, then remove from oven and let cool.

To use, place roasted garlic on a dish and mash it, pouring any remaining oil on top.

Put all the ingredients except the Parmesan and the spinach into a heavy saucepan with a lid.  Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium-low, cover, and let cook for 45-55 minutes, or until the farro is tender and all the water has cooked in.

At this point, add the spinach on top and without stirring, re-cover and let sit off heat for 10-15 minutes. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATo serve, stir in spinach, and spoon onto plate, adding Parmesan to taste.  Serves 3.

I know that earlier I said farro’s like flannel pajamas.  But maybe it’s more like a little black dress.  You can dress this grain up or down, and serve it up plain or with lots of additions.

But maybe it’s more like a pair of bowling shoes, or a well-worn jean jacket, or a lacy bra, or…farro equalsThanks for your time.

Stream of Self-consciousness

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5-5-2017 B“Crowley!  Knock it off!  If you want to go out, you’d better stand still!  Hold it!  Stop it!”

Good grief!  It is 9:30 in the morning!  How can it be seventeen thousand degrees out here?

So…what music do I want to hear?  Why did I download Bread’s Greatest Hits?  What was I thinking?    

“That’s a good boy. C’mon, Buddy.  You can’t sit down in the street.  We’ll get hit by a car.”“Sorry!  Thanks for not hitting us with your car.”

Really?  What kind of horrible manimal leaves a dirty diaper on the street?

“Crowley! Spit that out!”

Why does Chester have a giant picture of the cookie monster looking out of his living room window?  No, better question; why doesn’t everyone have a giant cookie monster picture looking out their living room windows?

“Hold on Crowley, I need to pick that up.”

“Leave those birds alone.  I’m sorry, buddy, they’re not trying to play with you.  They’re being jerks.”Wait, what is that?  What the heck?  Is that a…yeah, that’s a drone hanging off that mailbox.  It’s new, and it looks like a nice one, too.  What the what?

“You hear that dog barking at us?”

That has got to be the crankiest dog in North America.  Can a dog actually be a butthead?

“C’mon Buddy, let’s go.  What do you think?  Should we do the whole walk?”

Ok, it’s a million degrees.  Should we head home?  If we cut it short, it’s tuna on lettuce for dinner.  If we keep going, it’s blue box mac…“C’mon, let’s keep going, we’ll have the whole walk knocked out in no time.”

“Really?  Again?  Hold on, I need to pick it up.”

Oh, cripes, I hope that darn dog isn’t out in the yard…

“Whoa!  Crowley! Whoa!  Crowley, I’m gonna…Whoa!”

I am going to have arms like Schwarzenegger.  If he doesn’t kill me first. 

“No, Buddy, they didn’t invite you to play just because their garage door is open.  G’ morning! Sorry, he’s a puppy, and thinks everybody is his best friend, and everything belongs to him!”meth cupcakeWhat do those people do in there?  Every time we go past, the garage door is half open and they’re sitting at a table working on something.  Is it meth?  I read you need lots of ventilation for meth.  Are they decorating cupcakes?  I hope they’re decorating cupcakes.

“Crowley, get up boy.  C’mon, we’ve got to move.  We’ll be home soon, and when we get there, you can lay on the cool tile in the fireplace.”  If I don’t get there first, big boy.

“Morning!  Boy, that yard is looking great!  You’ve done so much work!”

Oh my gosh, that yard looks tortured into submission.  There isn’t a weed on the planet brave enough to pop up in that yard!  Cuh-razy eyes!  That dude scares me.  I’ll bet he’s got more than rakes and fertilizer in the basement.  “It rubs the lotion on its skin…”5-5-2017“Alright Buddy, we’re home!  After dinner, we’ll do another full walk…’cause I’m having root beer and cookies for breakfast.  Now move over!  Mama needs some of that cool, cool tile.”

Starting in July, The topic of the column running on the last weekend of the month will be picked by you, gentle reader.  Send your ideas (and any other comments you may have) to Momsequitur@gmail.com.  I can’t wait to see the ideas that surface from your brain boxes

No topic is off limits except for these off limit topics: politics, religion, and boy bands of the 80’s.Thanks for your time.

Dancing in the Street

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So one night last winter I’d been out too long shopping.  The Kid was coming for dinner, and I still needed to stop and get freshly made tortillas.

When I pulled up to the tortilleria at about 6PM, the parking lot was jumping like the Bouncing Bulldogs at a competition.  I was pretty sure I’d be facing what would be for me, a fate was than death—a long line which would translate to a long wait.

I walked in and found the end of the line; about twelve people back.  I knew I was looking at least half an hour before it was my turn.  I was starting to panic, but then the most adorable young woman got in line behind me.bat eyeShe was bubbly, friendly, and wearing perfect cat eyeliner; it was as clean and sharp as a Klingon bat’leth honed on the bones of the vanquished and shined with their blood.

We began chatting; she told me her boyfriend, a long distance trucker, would be arriving sometime tonight and she wanted fresh tortillas for him.

I enjoyed the chatting, but I hadn’t had a bite to eat all day.  I wasn’t sure if I would get faint-y or hangry first, but if I didn’t eat soon, it wouldn’t be pretty.

That sweet kid must have read my mind, because she declared that she was starving, and grabbed a bag of crunchy snack things I’d never seen before. She popped them open, and offered some to me. The point of this seemingly pointless story is not that despite my mother’s warnings, I happily talk to practically every stranger I meet.  Nope, the reason for this tale is actually the flavor of those Funyuns-looking snack things we shared.

They were chili lime.  It was the first time I’d had that particular combination.  I’d always passed before, because I’d thought they would be too spicy for my uber-wimpy palate.  But that night I was so hungry I would have bitten the head off a ghost pepper-stuffed live chicken.

I’m telling you; I was hungry.  Since that night, I’ve taken to carrying a couple granola bars in my bag.

Boy am I glad I did.  It wasn’t hot-spicy, but instead lively-spicy.  Mixed with the clean, tart lime, it was terrific.

In Mexican cooking, chili\lime is ubiquitous.  The most famous and popular dish using the combo is Mexican street corn.  It consists of roasted corn on the cob, drizzled with a creamy sauce, then sprinkled with chili powder, cilantro, and crumbly, salty cotija cheese.I have a twist on this popular dish.  It’s a pasta salad, which for this carb lover is pretty darn close to perfect.  The pasta I use is a small seashell.

And, the corn is still the star in this recipe too, so be persnickety.  Buy fresh, and I mean freshly picked, not the produce department of a supermarket.  Go to the farmers market, or a pick-your-own farm.  The sugar starts turning to starch as soon as corn’s picked.  You want ears that are still warm from the sun shining on their stalk.  Or as close as you can get; don’t get arrested for pilfering produce.  No pasta salad is worth that. But potato salad is totally different.  I could do thirty days in the hole for a good tater salad.

Thanks for your time.

Street Corn Pasta Salad

Stir together dressing:street corn dressing½ cup mayonnaise

½ cup light sour cream

1 clove of garlic, minced

Juice and zest of 1 lime

1 teaspoon chili powder, or to taste

¼ cup chopped cilantro leaves

½ cup crumbled cotija cheese

Corn juice

Salt & pepper 

Refrigerate covered, up to two days, until ready to make salad.

Salad:street pasta1-7 ounce bag small seashell pasta, cooked to al dente in heavily salted water and drained, but not rinsed

6 ears fresh corn

¼ cup chopped white onion

Salt & pepper

Prepare corn:  Clean ears and paint on thin coat of vegetable oil.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper.  Grill, turning corn until the ears are cooked and lightly charred.  Let cool.  Cut kernels off cob.  Scrape juice off cob and add to dressing.

Forty-five minutes before service, stir together pasta, corn, and onion.  Mix in dressing until it’s a little too wet (it will tighten upon standing).  Check for seasoning and readjust if necessary.  Serves 6.      

Ghosting your machines

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There’s this new relationship term—ghosting.

It’s a no fuss, no muss way to break up with someone.  One simply disappears.  They stop calling, texting, smoke signaling.

And you’re probably doing it right now, as you read this.

I’m not talking about your love life.  I’m talking about all those machines in the cabinets, and pantry, and that closet where stuff goes to die.  Those gadgets that you thought you couldn’t live without (but did).

A couple weeks ago, while perusing the interweb, I stumbled upon a recipe that intrigued me.  It was gluten-free biscuits.So, here’s the thing; for various reasons, I am extremely skeptical about the whole gluten-free, celiac thing.

1.)Gluten-free products.  Gluten’s job in food is to make it stretchier so it can rise, and not having it makes the food dense.  There’s a reason gluten is present, so when it’s not, you notice.

2.)Gluten-free people.  There are two kinds of people; those with celiac, and those without.  Unfortunately, there are lots of people who don’t have it that are absolutely convinced that they do.  In truth, only 1% of the population has doctor-diagnosed celiac disease.

3.)Cauliflower abuse.  Ever since gluten and celiac became part of popular lexicon, poor old cauliflower has been abused.  It’s mashed “potatoes”, pizza crust, even (sadly) brownies.

caulicrap

This is all made with cauliflower.  And I’d have to be mighty hungry…

Because of this, when I saw the recipe from Cooking Light magazine, it was a minor miracle that I even read it.  But I did read it, and decided it sounded so tasty that I would make it.  And I used three kitchen gadget and appliances.

But I can’t call it a biscuit, ‘cause it’s not.  It’s actually a soufflé.  A soufflé that tastes really good at only 25 calories each.

Cauliflower Soufflé Cupscauli souffle4 cups steamed, fresh cauliflower

3 garlic cloves, minced

1/3 cup nonfat Greek yogurt

½ cup cheddar cheese, shredded

¼ cup grated Parmesan

2 eggs

2 egg whites

1 teaspoon kosher salt

½ teaspoon black pepper

Preheat the oven to 400 F. Place cauliflower into food processor along with garlic and whole eggs.  Blend until smooth.  Add yogurt, salt and pepper.  Mix until smooth and creamy.

While blending cauliflower, put egg whites into mixer with whisk attachment.  Mix on high until stiff peaks form.

Pour cauliflower mixture in large bowl and stir in cheeses.  Stir in one spoonful of beaten whites to lighten the mix.  Then gently fold in the rest of the whites.

Spray a mini-muffin tin with cooking spray.  Put a heaping spoonful into each cup.

Bake for 25-30 minutes or until top is browned and edges are caramelized.  Let sit ten minutes before removing from pan.  Makes 24 mini soufflé cups.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASo get in there and break out some neglected kitchen toys.  You’ll remember why you thought they were such a great idea in the first place.

But some stuff you just gotta have.  I’m going to Amazon and ordering a paper towel holder that charges electronics, and a carrot sharpener.  I’m positive I’ll use them all the time.Thanks for your time.

Fire & Ice

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I don’t know why, but I get tapped for grill duty at every family cookout.Unlike the bright red I desire in a steak, I like my burgers cooked a heretical medium-well, crispy on the outside, cooked through in the middle.  And medium-well burgers are a mortal sin to 99% of food folks.

So, I possess no burger cred.And I don’t even like grilled hot dogs.  I’m a steamed girl.So, there’s no frankfurter cred, either.

But still, every cookout finds me standing over fire, attempting to resist smoke inhalation-induced swoonage.  No matter what, a smoky cloud envelops me like a meat-accented shroud.Because of the ongoing grill-induced trauma, the foods I’ve picked for a 4th of July cookout don’t need an attendant; just a little prep.  This also means they can be put together well in advance.

Piggy pocketspork pockets1 small boneless pork shoulder (5 pounds or so)

3-4 pounds small red skin or Yukon gold potatoes

1 bag undressed coleslaw from the produce department

2 sweet onions, thinly sliced

½ cup beer (your choice, darker beer has stronger flavor)

2 tablespoons Dijon mustard

Salt and pepper

Heat grill to 275-300.

Cut pork and unpeeled potatoes into 2-inch cubes.  Put all the cubes into zip-top bag.  Whisk together beer and mustard.  Season.  Pour beer mixture over pork and taters.  Close and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.  When ready to make packets, divide into 10 equal portions.

Cut ten large pieces of foil (about 14-16 inches).  On one half of the foil, scatter ¾ cup dry cole slaw.  Sprinkle with pinch of salt & pepper.  Lay a couple slices of onion over veg.  Top with one portion of pork and potatoes.Seal packs and cook on heated grill for one hour.  Serve them closed so guests can open their own packets.

Mexican street corn

Stir together sauce:street corn cream¾ cup mayonnaise

¾ cup light sour cream

3 cloves of garlic, minced

Juice of 1 lime

Salt & pepper 

Refrigerate covered, up to a few days, until ready to serve corn.mexicorn

10 ears corn, cut in half

20 bamboo skewers, which have been soaked in cold water overnight

Chili powder

1/3 cup cilantro leaves

1 cup crumbly cotija cheese

Skewer each piece of corn. 

When the pork has been cooking almost an hour, move packs to warming area of grill.

Place corn on hottest part of the grill and cook 15-20 minutes, turning frequently to lightly char all sides.When cooked, paint mayo-sour cream over corn, then sprinkle with chili powder, cotija and cilantro.  Serves 10-12.

Served right out of the blender, this next treat is a soft serve dead ringer for Disney’s Dole Whip.  As popsicles, they are terrific, but if you have the palate for it, the added jalapeño makes it a unique sweet/heat frozen confection.

Pop-goes the firecracker-siclesdolesicles

8 cups frozen pineapple chunks

2 8-ounce tubs frozen fat-free Cool Whip

2 teaspoons vanilla

Pinch of salt

Jalapeños (optional)

Rum (optional)

Let pineapple and whipped topping sit out for 10 minutes to soften slightly.Place topping into the blender bowl first.  Add pineapple and salt.  Blend until almost smooth.  At this point, you can add the jalapeños, then continue blending until smooth and silky.

For cocktails instead of popsicles, blend in the rum, approximately 8 shots.  Then serve in 8 tall chilled glasses.Otherwise, pour mixture into 12 popsicle molds and allow them to freeze solid.  Can be kept frozen for up to a week.

With this holiday cookout menu, you can get everything ready days before the shindig. This means that when your guests arrive, your work is done, and you can enjoy your own party without all the smoke and the need for periodic resuscitation in the form of handsome paramedics bearing oxygen.  Can you say out-Martha-ing Martha?

Yay, go you!

Quick!  Where the hell are those charcoal briquettes!

Thanks for your time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Char Girl

/ momsequitur / Leave a comment

In everything I’ve ever cooked, baked, or even merely applied heat, I have burned almost nothing.  And it’s not because I am some miraculous cooking genius, ‘cause trust me, that I am not.

The reasons are twofold.

Reason number one is because of my first kitchen role model; my mom.

We always joked that my mom does all the worrying, so we don’t have to.  I think a lot of it is a massively overgrown maternal instinct; she wants to take care of the whole world and make it all better.FB_IMG_1497871818034_resized (1)In the kitchen this manifests itself in two main ways.

No matter how much food is prepared, my mom is terrified there won’t be enough.  She’ll make five pounds of meatloaf, and fret that it’s not enough for the eight people expected to dinner.If she was a wedding planner or caterer, her head would regularly explode and she would likely take up strong drink.

Her other phobia is the one which contributed to the fact that I’ve charcoaled very few dishes in my cooking history.

Mom has a horror of burning food.

I’ve seen her almost in tears because something had more color on it than she thought was proper.  And anything darker than the golden shade of peanut butter is inedibley burned, and good for nothing but decorating the insides of the trash can.

If it sticks to the bottom of the pan that is evidence enough to her that the whole dish is ruined.  But, I have a fix for it, burned or just stuck.First scrape a little up and decide whether it’s burned or not.  Don’t go just by color—give it a smell and a taste.  If it’s not burned and just stuck, turn the burner down low and wait a couple minutes.  It will then be easy to scrape up and stir in.  Then, for the rest of the cooking time, turn it down a smidge, and stir it more often, making sure to keep the bottom unstuck.

What if it actually is burned?  Don’t scrape anything else from the bottom.  Get out a new pot and pour the food into it, making sure that the burned, stuck stuff stays in the other pan.  You’ll lose some of it, but that’s way better than having an entire foul-tasting pot of sadness going down the drain.

Sorry, I think the chicken might be a tad underdone.

The other reason why I seldom overcook food is simple and embarrassing.  I’m too impatient.  Normally I have the opposite problem—it’s tough for me to wait for things to fully cook.  Which is actually worse than overcooking; burned food tastes bad, undercooked food can kill.

But, I’m working on it.  I view it as a measure of my growth as a cook and a human to have the patience for food to cook the way it should.

I’ve recently started cooking vegetables in a manner that calls for them to be charred and blistered.I roast them in the oven.  It works for almost all types of veg.  I clean and trim them then dump them in a large zip top bag.  For two servings, I pour in about 1/3 cup of dressing.  And not only salad dressing, but you can use that; the other day I used Barnes Supply sweet onion dressing on some French beans.  I’ve also used brown butter on broccoli.  We really liked honey mustard and canola oil whisked together, with some thinly sliced shallots.

Once they’re coated let them hang out in the fridge for a while.  At dinner time I put a rimmed baking sheet in the oven and let it heat up.  For larger, slower cooking veg I set the oven to 400.  I lay them in a single layer and cook for about 15-20 minutes, giving them a stir about halfway through.For vegetables that cook quicker I put them on the top rack and use the low broiler setting.  They take about 10-12 minutes.

With very little effort you end up with fresh vegetables that are different, deeply flavored, and caramelized.  To me they are a testament to my growth.

But if my mom saw them, she’d run for the hills.Thanks for your time.