Humans are funny.I constantly wonder what goes on in their heads.I feel that I have a curious, scientific soul and an inquiring mind. My family doesn’t see it that way. They just think I have a pair of nosey pants in size XXXL.
You’d think that since we’re all members of the family of man, the motivations of our fellow primates would be crystal clear. But every day I see people doing things that completely flummox me. What follows are just a few of the burning questions that torment me at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. They are the queries that I would love to present directly to the principle puzzler. But I’m afraid that instead of clarity, I’d wind up with a black eye.
On the road:
Is the car you’re driving borrowed? Because the Coexist bumper sticker doesn’t quite jive with you cutting me off in traffic and flipping me the bird.Do you feel that you are truly living up to your potential? You’re just steering with one hand and texting with the other—I’ll bet if you tried, you could put a brush between your teeth and paint a lovely portrait.
Would you mind turning down your music? Three of my fillings are now loose, and I’m pretty sure that my heart beating in time with your thumping bass is giving me a massive coronary.
Beauty and fashion:
What were you thinking this morning when you got dressed in the pouring rain, and decided, “Today is the perfect day to wear my bright red, brand-new, suede boots. Nothing better for fine suede than standing water and mud!”?
Regarding your very interesting hand and face tattoos…when exactly did you decide that normal society and conventional employment held no appeal?
Ma’am, have you ever actually been to a yoga class?
You’ve been drinking and are convinced that now is the time to “drop a truth bomb” about religion, your boss, or your mother-in-law on your Facebook page. How ‘bout just turning off the computer and walking away Champ?
Is the dress white, or blue, or a ridiculous waste of your limited time on this earth?
Is it really your business whether that Victoria’s Secret model has gained a few pounds or conversely, needs to eat a couple cheeseburgers?
Have you heard about this widow of a Nigerian minister who needs my help opening a bank account?
In the checkout line:What are you planning with 16 boxes of lime jello, turkey jerky, and a case of red lightbulbs?
In what manner does that sugar-free, fat-free, frozen tofu resemble ice cream?
Is Sandra Bullock really leaving Hollywood to become a gate agent for JetBlue? And did a woman in Altoona really give birth to a litter albino ferrets?
Producers of reality television shows:Could you just stop? Pretty please?
General unfocused questions that really bug me:
Is every head of human resources a cat owner named Susan who drinks cocktails from a pouch?
A bald man with a hairy back. What’s up with that?
How can one 52-year-old head have wrinkles, gray hair, and acne? Does that seem fair?
Is there any problem chocolate or new shoes can’t solve?
Questions for the politician;
Did your opponent actually drown a busload of orphan puppies, kick a nun, and cheat on his taxes? And does he really hate grits and college basketball?
Do you kiss your mother with that lying mouth?
Questions for the undecided voter;
Really? Thanks for your time.