Hot, Cranky Questions

Normally, I am friendly and kind.

Normally.

But the North Carolina summer is so malevolently awful that it feels personal.  I can’t argue with hot though, because there is no combination of words I can say that will make it cooler and less humid. 

And, standing outside, yelling, and shaking my fist at the sky just confirms suspicions that my neighbors have had about me all along.

So, I walk around all summer, every summer, disgruntled.  Usually, my gruntle returns in early October about the time the State Fair comes to town.  Then that big ole bag of grumpy departs like a hummingbird heading south for the winter.

I strive to stifle my summer-originated rage.  But on especially gross days in which I am forced to spend extended time outside, my animosity bubbles to the surface, like a particularly noxious aquifer in the form of sarcastic, smart-alecky questions.

Some are purely rhetorical, some I know the answers to, and some are actual head-scratchers and are the result of honest, albeit cantankerous curiosity.

Do you know what’s unfair?  Having gray hair, wrinkles, and acne all on the same head.  It’s those infernal masks.  Wearing one is a giant pain.  It’s punishingly hot and moist under here.  I am beyond sick of smelling and breathing my own breath.  I’m always forgetting it and having to run back to the car.  It makes my glasses fog up.

It’s one of the best ways, though, to protect yourself and others from transmission.  But I keep seeing a puzzling phenomenon all over the place and even on the faces of TV reporters.  So I have to ask; why even bother wearing that mask if you’re gonna leave your nose outside?

So, those murder hornets that were supposed to invade our shores and spread a swath of death and destruction everywhere they went.  What happened to them?

I have a theory. They arrived in the US and saw the news and read a few papers.  When they realized what a flaming hot mess 2020 is, they turned around and went back to Mars.

Why can’t I eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?  It’s hot!

Madonna: desperately seeking sanity.

Singer Sam Smith, Jennifer Lopez, Drake, Madonna, et al, posting tone-deaf videos and photos from multi-multi-million dollar homes complaining about the boredom/anxiety of quarantining. 

On behalf of all the people out here who aren’t riding around our private islands on a unicorn while wearing gold-plated underclothes; might you please shut the heck up?

There are actually folks who will gaze at you with a slightly manic look and state with a straight face, that they “love the heat”.

What is wrong with them?

Camping.  Leaving one’s comfortable homes full of running water, electricity, and air conditioning for the charms of sleeping on the ground, eating food that’s either half-raw or burned to charcoal, and being feasted upon by any number of insects.

Why would anybody in their right mind do that on purpose?

Would somebody please explain to me why fried dough covered in a honey glaze is so much tastier than a carrot?

Throughout history, different body shapes are in or out of fashion.  During the Italian Renaissance, the style was Rebuenesque; plump and ample.  In the roaring 20s, it was desirable to be slim with straight hips and a boyish figure.  Marilyn Monroe was the ideal in the 1950s with an hourglass figure.

So when are flat butts and big feet going to have a turn?

Finally, somebody, please tell me, I’ve gotta know—how hard is it to actually change a roll of toilet paper?

Thanks for your time.

Contact me at d@bullcity.mom.

Questions. I have questions

Humans are funny.I constantly wonder what goes on in their heads.I feel that I have a curious, scientific soul and an inquiring mind.  My family doesn’t see it that way.  They just think I have a pair of nosey pants in size XXXL.

You’d think that since we’re all members of the family of man, the motivations of our fellow primates would be crystal clear.  But every day I see people doing things that completely flummox me.    What follows are just a few of the burning questions that torment me at night when I’m trying to fall asleep.  They are the queries that I would love to present directly to the principle puzzler.  But I’m afraid that instead of clarity, I’d wind up with a black eye.

On the road:

Is the car you’re driving borrowed?  Because the Coexist bumper sticker doesn’t quite jive with you cutting me off in traffic and flipping me the bird.Do you feel that you are truly living up to your potential?  You’re just steering with one hand and texting with the other—I’ll bet if you tried, you could put a brush between your teeth and paint a lovely portrait.

Would you mind turning down your music?  Three of my fillings are now loose, and I’m pretty sure that my heart beating in time with your thumping bass is giving me a massive coronary.

Beauty and fashion:

What kind of maniac would desecrate something this beautiful?

What were you thinking this morning when you got dressed in the pouring rain, and decided, “Today is the perfect day to wear my bright red, brand-new, suede boots.  Nothing better for fine suede than standing water and mud!”?

Regarding your very interesting hand and face tattoos…when exactly did you decide that normal society and conventional employment held no appeal?

Ma’am, have you ever actually been to a yoga class?

Social media:

You’ve been drinking and are convinced that now is the time to “drop a truth bomb” about religion, your boss, or your mother-in-law on your Facebook page.  How ‘bout just turning off the computer and walking away Champ?

Sheesh.

Is the dress white, or blue, or a ridiculous waste of your limited time on this earth?

Is it really your business whether that Victoria’s Secret model has gained a few pounds or conversely, needs to eat a couple cheeseburgers?

Have you heard about this widow of a Nigerian minister who needs my help opening a bank account?

In the checkout line:What are you planning with 16 boxes of lime jello, turkey jerky, and a case of red lightbulbs?

In what manner does that sugar-free, fat-free, frozen tofu resemble ice cream?

Is Sandra Bullock really leaving Hollywood to become a gate agent for JetBlue?  And did a woman in Altoona really give birth to a litter albino ferrets?

Producers of reality television shows:Could you just stop?  Pretty please?

General unfocused questions that really bug me:

Is every head of human resources a cat owner named Susan who drinks cocktails from a pouch?

A bald man with a hairy back.  What’s up with that?

How can one 52-year-old head have wrinkles, gray hair, and acne?  Does that seem fair?

Is there any problem chocolate or new shoes can’t solve?

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Oh my.  I didn’t even know this was a thing…

 

Politics:

Questions for the politician;

Did your opponent actually drown a busload of orphan puppies, kick a nun, and cheat on his taxes? And does he really hate grits and college basketball?

Do you kiss your mother with that lying mouth?

Questions for the undecided voter;

Really?                                                                     Thanks for your time.