I Resolve

Here’s something I’ll bet you didn’t know:

If you don’t complete a New Year’s resolution before midnight on December 31st, it’s totally legal to roll it over to the next year.

Which is great for me because I’ve been working on burping the entire alphabet for about twelve years now.But I do have some fresh ones for 2019.

The majority of people do not get out of bed in the morning hoping to hurt and cause harm to their fellow humans.  Most actions, regardless of repercussion, make perfect sense to those committing them.  I need to always keep this in mind.  I will strive to be more understanding and forgiving.On the flip side, I need to consider the consequences of my actions.  Before I let rip with a one-liner which is hilarious in my head, I must put myself in the other’s shoes, and determine how that witticism would impact my feelings.

I will try to remember that an entire party-size bag of Utz dark russet chips is more than one serving.  A Cook-out milkshake isn’t the AMA’s recommend method for women to get their calcium.  And no matter how hard I wish, frosting is not a food group.I need to speak much less and listen more.  There is no telling what truths and wisdoms I never heard because what I wanted to say had to be said immediately.  How many people were there that needed me to just shut up and receive the trust of which they felt I was worthy?  How many moments of intimacy and human connection did I damage or destroy because I thought my words were more important than theirs?492I promise to regularly venture outside my comfort zone.  At least three times in the coming year I will read books from unfamiliar numbers of the Dewey decimal system.  I will sample more than ten new foods.  Listen to unfamiliar musical genres and watch movies that I would not normally see.  And, each month try an increasingly spicy dish.

Solange Knowles-The Queen of Fierce

I will do things that scare me.  Like wear mixed patterns or purple lipstick.  I’ll rock sequins or sparkle during the day (but not both at the same time, I’m not Liberace for heaven’s sake).  I’ll leave the house in heels with no back-up flats.  I’ll buy a bathing suit and wear it at the appropriate public venue.I will acknowledge that my judgement is not superior to the rest of the planet.  No more lessons, lectures, or pointing out the errors of the ways of my fellow man.  On a related note, I am also not the hall monitor of the world.  If it’s not hurting anyone, what other folks do is none of my business.  Although, I do reserve the right to point and laugh—discretely.

I’ll accept that I am not the world’s leading authority on anything or anyone except myself.  And I still get me wrong on a regular basis.

crowley snowface

My dog, the tank.

I will try to be a bit more careful when playing with Crowley, my 110-pound Akita puppy who’s built like a tank.  My goal is to eliminate all black eyes and busted lips, and vastly reduce my number of concussion protocols.And finally, be more grateful.  For everything.  For the good things in my life; but that’s easy.  I want to be grateful for the tough things in my life, because those are the things that temper the soul, make us stronger, and give us confidence once on the other side.

In that vein, Gentle Reader, I want to make sure that each and every one of you know how very, very much I deeply appreciate you, and your time.

Advice for a newborn

The new year is only a few days old, and I offer a few thoughts and requests for it.

Dear 2018,baby 2018I know that in these early days it’s impossible to imagine anything other than shiny optimism, innocence, and clean diapers, but you only have to take a peek at poor old 2017 to see how very badly it all can go.  That pathetic year is a dirty, misshapen failure, half crawling, half dragged off the calendar and into the history books.  It had very few friends, and hardly anyone will miss it.  Even the folks who seemed to be having a good run ended the year in a less than glorious place.

It too was once a shiny, happy baby whom people adored.  Let it be a warning to you.  Every day is a new beginning, but it is a balance, and once the number of bad ones goes over 182, it’s game over, man. So, here are a few recommendations that might help to make you, 2018, less catastrophic than your older sibling.

Just because something is new, and seems exciting, does not mean it’s better.  One of these days, ask me about a little thing called New Coke.  Or movie remakes called Planet of the Apes or Arthur or The Wicker Man.  Or ask the Brady bunches’ cousin Oliver.

And expensive doesn’t mean it’s better either.  The point was brought home the other day in Costco where I low-key stalked a guy walking around in a pair of Gucci, fur-lined, backless leather slippers embroidered with tigers.

Shoes for crazy people.

I followed him around (discretely) because I had seen these “shoes” in the fashion press and couldn’t believe an actual human had purchased them for wearing.  It looked like the guy had either lost a bet or gotten dressed in the dark, during a fire.  When I got home, I was telling Petey about it and googled a picture of these masterpieces for him.

They cost $1100.

3 shoes

Ooh yeah, that’s the stuff…come to mama.

I have no problem with ridiculously expensive shoes.  Balenciaga has a breathtaking, glorious pair of pumps this season that goes for $995.  Chanel has an amazing pair of black-toed glittery boots for $1200, and St. Laurent’s fabulicious slouchy rhinestone boots are $10,000.  Would I happily sell my soul and/or both kidneys for the funds to purchase this walking art?

Of course, but these shoes are beautiful, not a hideous joke.

Sadly, some folks have more dollars than sense.There are many, many people who were completely caught off guard by you, 2018.  That’s because they had their heads buried in their smartphones.  These are the same people who’s lives will be over with nothing to show for it except for bathroom and brunch selfies, with no memory of why they were in that particular bathroom, or who else was at that picturesque meal.

So put down the phone and be present in your own life.

Those smartphones bring me to two more insidious results of these technological marvels; social media, and its flashy offspring, “going viral”.I have many perfectly nice and sane friends who regularly sing the praises of Facespace and Twattle.  They talk about how it keeps them in touch with family and connects them with treasured long-lost school chums.  Here’s my query: if they were so treasured, how’d you lose touch in the first place?Feverish social media use is illustrative of the human need for justice and the desire for complicated matters to have simple, black and white solutions.  That’s why people will learn of something that seems outrageous at breakfast and will have tried, convicted, and publicly pilloried the culprit by lunchtime.  Then three days later when the full story comes out which explains the unexplainable, nobody cares because everybody’s busy watching some Turkish dude salt meat (I swear-google it).

Salt dude.

I have a feeling, 2018, that you may turn out to be one huge, painful hangover.  That’s okay; just buckle in, eat a big greasy breakfast, drink lots of water, and sit quietly until 2019 shows up.nydThanks for your time.