This Ain’t No Pork Pie, So Have a Bath*

*What you shall read here is all true, and I hope it amuses you (Cockney Rhyming Slang)

Those adorable Brits.

Most of the time when it comes time to write an epistle to you, Gentle Reader I have something on my mind that I want to share.

But sometimes, no matter how long I walk the dog, or how many long showers I take, I just can’t come up with an idea.  So, I keep a file of phrases, thoughts that need filling in, things I hear or read, anything that from which I might suss a column.

Last year, before Harry and Meghan made their escape from the royal family, I read a story about her paternal side of the family; the uber awful Thomas Markle and her step-sister, she of the horrible hair, Samantha.

I don’t know what the back story is, but there’s a ton of anger toward Meghan.  And of course, the media eats it up.  Samantha seemed to be furious that she wasn’t welcome at either the wedding or the palace to hang with the royals.

She was so upset that she went to London, and had taken up the habit of hanging around the palace gates trying to get noticed and provoke a reaction. 

She provoked a reaction. 

From palace security.  Working under the assumption that no stable relative by marriage of the royal family would act as she was, they decided that she was someone to watch.

They designated her a “fixated person”.

And if that isn’t the most charming, most British phrase, I don’t know what is.  Over here across the pond, we’d probably call her a crazy ass stalker.

That nation of jellied eel and mushy peas have the cutest way of saying things that we more prosaic Americans put in much more blunt and boring terms. 

Knackered means exhausted.  Which is fun, but it’s even better in cockney rhyming slang—cream crackered. 

Chuffed, gutted, and gobsmacked.  All very much more charming than our pleased and excited (chuffed), completely, utterly disappointed (gutted), and shocked down to one’s toes (gobsmacked).  They are also much more economical than the three or four words which we need to describe the same emotion.

Cheeky; often used with monkey, as in “You’re a right cheeky monkey.”  Charming, mischievous, and a little disrespectful of the high and mighty.  Ryan Reynolds and Chrissy Teigen are cheeky.

 Pissed is not angry, it’s drunk.

Snog means make out.  Have a nice snog sounds so much nicer than necking and petting.  Necking and petting sound like something you’d see at a dog or horse show.

Bagsy.  If you’re in England and you want to get the front seat for a car ride, don’t yell out “Shotgun!”.  They’ll just think you’re an American gun nut.  To get that primo seat, sing out, “Bagsy!”.

I had an Uncle Bob, I’m guessing that a good many folks have or had one.  But if you’re in Yorkshire or Southwick, “Bob’s your uncle!” means, “There you go!” or even more excitedly, “Ta-Dah!”

Bingo wings are the flappy arm parts on women of a certain age.  As one of those women, bingo wings is both kinder and funnier than ‘arm flaps’.

They are so bingo wings…

If you nick a car in Altoona, it probably had something to do with a shopping cart (trolly in the UK) and you can buff it out.  If you nick a car in Nottingham, you’ll do time in jail (Gaol-England), because to nick over there means to steal.

Take care, Gentle Reader, I hope your week will be tickety-boo.

Care to guess that one?

Thanks for your time.

Contact me at

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s