“Some people are like slinkies. They’re not really good for anything. But they make you smile when you push them down the stairs.”—Jack Handey (*Disclaimer-I in no way, advocate pushing anyone, at any time, down any stairs.)
Years ago, Saturday Night Live used to have a segment called, “Deep Thoughts”. They were quotes written and then read by comedian Jack Handey. They were deep, in that you were usually still thinking about them the next day and nursing a slight headache.
I leave those deep, painful thoughts to Mr. Handey.
Today I am addressing the most shallow of thoughts. Or, in other words, really, really dumb stuff. Thoughts, statements, decisions, and headlines. Misbegotten notions which make you grateful that as a child you didn’t repeatedly have escapades which resulted in head injuries, like someone we may know who writes the weekly column you’re currently reading.
So here, in no particular order, are some exceedingly shallow thoughts.
From a commercial for what we used to call books on tape, a young woman says they’re, “Like night school for adults”.
Okay, I’m not a morning person. Never have been, probably never will be. Getting up bright and early to get The Kid fed, organized, and off to school hurt. Every single day. I used to joke that I wished they held elementary and middle school at night.
So, night school for adults is just night school. I’m afraid it will take more than listening to Bette Midler reading ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ for that woman to be smart enough to come in out of the rain.
The other day I was in my local Food Lion at about 2:00 on a Sunday afternoon. They were slammed with people coming from church and picking up Sunday dinner, people who were buying their groceries for the week, and mental midgets like me, who forgot about the crush at supermarkets on Sunday afternoon.
I had like three items, so with hope in my heart, I got into the express lane. I was about sixth in line.
But, hey, ‘express’, am I right? I’d be out in five minutes.
The couple that were at the head of the line seemed to be there for a bit.
Then another bit.
Then a further bit. I glared at the slowpokes, figuring they were paying with pennies, or maybe had gone way over the 15 or less rule.
But then I realized what the hold up actually was. The checker. He is a very, very sweet man, but about 138 years old, and slow-moving. He is so slow, he would make a sloth say, “Just let me do it!”. Each customer encounter took almost ten minutes. I thought I was going to need a haircut before I got to the head of the line.
I’m no grocery store expert, but doesn’t ‘express’ imply some level of, if not speed at least efficiency? It had stopped being the ‘express’ and become the ‘ironic’ register.
From Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle and medical quackery website: “GP (that would be founder Gwyneth) was really craving some clean dim sum, so she thought of using cabbage leaves as wrappers instead of wheat- or grain-based dough. Now we’re obsessed with this clean dumpling hack.”
Once you remove the pasta wrapper and substitute cabbage leaves, it stops being a dumpling and becomes stuffed cabbage.
From an email link to an online article: “Does Your Zodiac Sign Affect How Much Sleep You Need? This Expert Says Yes”.
You know what, Gentle Reader? I got nothing. I can’t think of anything to say to make that ridiculous twaddle funnier or any more preposterous.
Thanks for your time.
Contact debbie at firstname.lastname@example.org.