Almost a hundred times a day I tell Petey, and anybody else who’s not quick enough to run away that I am not at all pleased with the way summers go around here.  I have threatened for years to file a complaint.

I decided to put up or shut up.

Dear Mother Nature,I am writing today to express my dissatisfaction with the summers you and your association have recently been distributing to humans.  In the next seven days, the high temperatures for North Carolina range from 90 to well over 100 degrees.  Today in Kuwait it was over 120 degrees.  This week in France the mercury has risen to over 110 degrees.

How, in any sane world, is this acceptable?

Waxed and ready to go, but they all have to share one board.

In both song and story, we have been sold a meteorological pig in a poke.  The Beach Boys in late spring are waxin’ down their surfboards, they can’t wait for June.  Bryan Adams proclaims that given a choice, he’d be back in the summer of ’69; the best days of his life.  George Gershwin assured us all that in summertime the living is easy.

I would beg to differ.The heat is relentless.  It seems as if there is a personal, malevolent component to make everyone miserable and grumpy.  Morning, noon, or late at night, being outside for more than ten minutes results in flushing, sweating, and frizzy hair.  Everything and everyone is limp and lacks energy and enthusiasm.The result is no one wants to do anything except hang out in swimming pools eating ice cream.  But people have obligations they must attend to, only a small population has access to pools, and a diet solely consisting of ice cream would quickly have a deleterious effect upon one’s health.

To resolve this problem, I have a few sincere requests.  I would appreciate your prompt attention to rectify this situation.Temperature: From May until late September the average high temperature should be no more than 80 degrees with most days being a comfortable 74-77 degrees.

Humidity: A range between 35 and 50% humidity, with an inverse correlation between the temp and moisture in the air.Rain: We need it, so I’ll leave it in your experienced hands, but the heat that causes soupy steam to rise from paved surfaces is completely unacceptable.  I’m a North Carolinian so I understand that hurricanes are a fact of life, but tornadoes are unnecessary and just seem mean-spirited.

Wind: A nice refreshing breeze is always welcome.On a personal note; as one woman of a certain age to another I am sure you can understand the discomfort I have been experiencing and the poor humor which then results.  I unfortunately do not have the power to strike with lightening the most aggravating with whom I must contend.I look forward to your reply concerning these horrible summers that humanity has been enduring.  I understand that you are a busy woman with a large territory under your purview which could make a timely and satisfactory conclusion problematic.  Because of this I feel a fair resolution concerning this untenable weather should be achievable within ninety days.

Thank you for your time and attention,

debbie matthewsWell, I feel better anyway.