“There are no stupid questions.”
Oh yes, there are. So very many very stupid questions.
There are the fiduciarily stupid.
In a Mercedes dealership, “Can I buy that car with $40 and trading in my 1979 Chevy Chevette?”
Not only too stupid to drive, he’s probably too stupid to live independently.
Going into a bank, “Do y’all hand out free samples?” Ashamed to say I’ve done this myself, but I didn’t mean it, I thought I was being hilarious.“How can I be broke when I got checks left?” A check, Gentle Reader is what folks used to use before debit cards. It’s a bank-backed written promise to pay.
Then you have the parentally stupid.
“My three-year-old loves the taste of coffee. Is it okay if I only let him have two or three cups a day?”
After being questioned by the teacher when the first-grader turns in a perfect, working scale-model of the International Space Station, “Why would you think I did his work for him?”“Why is it illegal? Our air conditioner isn’t working and the car’s full of cardboard for the recycle center. She’s tied up there nice and tight, and I’m not even going the speed limit!”
“Sugar, why don’t you make momma a nice, dry martini? Use the step stool so you can reach the olives. You forgot last time.”
Medically stupid queries.
“I know I got the dia-beat-ies, so I only drink diet Coke when I eat Mack Donald’s. What’s wrong with that?”“Is it true I can’t get pregnant if I do fifteen jumping jacks after?”
“How am I gaining weight? I only eat salads; macaroni salad, potato salad, ham salad, ambrosia salad…”
“How come that guy has a handicapped spot? He ain’t on crutches, or limping, or nothing!”
“Is this the best ring you could afford?”
Not only is, “Does this make me look fat?” a stupid question; legendary and prodigious is the stupidity of the person who answers it. In any manner.“We’ve been dating two whole weeks! Why wouldn’t I want to lend you $20,000?”
“Baby, who you gonna believe? Me, or your lyin’ eyes?”
“Honey, do you think my sister is prettier than me?”
Stupidity in the great outdoors.
“Who wants to bet me I can’t rassle a ‘gator?”“Look! That fox looks like he brushed his teeth, but forgot to rinse! He looks friendly, wanna go pet him?”
“Lookit all this pretty ivy! How ‘bout we put some in pots and take it home?” Twenty minutes later: “You itchy?”
“That water looks clean! Wouldja gimme the canteen?” Six hours later: “Oh God! Wouldja please just let me die?”
Stupid questions men ask.“How come it takes you so long to get ready?”
“Why do you need four pairs of black shoes?”
“I’m having a big steak. Why do I even need a vegetable?”“You said you were trying to lose weight. Do you really think you should eat that chocolate?”
“You sound upset. Is it that time of the month? Why don’t you calm down?”
“Honey-pie, why do you need that baseball bat?”Stupid questions that I’m guilty of asking.
To the dog, when looking at something either consumed or destroyed: “What have you done?”
To The Kid, when looking at something either consumed or destroyed: “What have you done”?“I think I can eat another stack of pancakes, don’t you?” Twenty minutes later: “Why did you make me eat so much?”
In the eighties: “Does my hair look flat?”
“Do I look stupid?”
And the stupidest, most infuriating question of all time.
“Don’t you know who I am!?!”Thanks for your time.