Breakfast Ogre

Almost without exception (the exception being breakfast sausage), I love, love, love breakfast food.

I adore eating breakfast out.  The omelets and hash browns at Waffle House are the stuff of cheesy, carb-y dreams.  The crispy on the outside, creamy in the center French toast at Tra’Li at Brier Creek in Raleigh is more than delicious (The Kid really digs their traditional Irish breakfast, but once you put blood sausage on the plate,  my heart and appetite are broken).  In addition to perfectly cooked, creamy, rich eggs Benedict, Watts Grocery in Durham offers fresh churros with the best chocolate dipping sauce you’ll ever dunk into to.But, my very favorite breakfast experience, hands down, is a buffet.

The reason is simple.  I can eat fifteen or twenty different dishes at a buffet, without the judgy server, or the $75 breakfast bill that comes from ordering like a lumberjack with a hollow leg.  It’s heart breakingly frustrating to be limited to either French toast or pancakes because of the social stigma attached to life-threatening gluttony.

It just ain’t right.

And unless I plan on running seven or eight hundred miles a day or switching out all my clothes for caftans, sweat pants and elastic waists, giving rein to my darkest dining desires has to be a once-in-a-great-while occasion.

This is mine.  What are y’all eating?

But as every mother who’s worth her operator’s license will tell you (multiple times); “You gotta eat something!” “Do you wanna get sick?”  “Eat!  You’re breaking my heart”  “I’m cold! Put on a sweater!”

So, one needs to eat.  But ideally something that contains less than forty-seven thousand calories and doesn’t put you into a food coma for 3 days.

It may not sound exciting, but these days many of my breakfasts center around yogurt.

The thing is, traditional yogurt doesn’t move me.  In fact, I don’t really like it.I don’t know whether you’ve taken a gander in the dairy department lately, but we are living in the golden age of fermented moo juice.  Even in the smallest grocers your choices can easily number from 20-30.

There is fat-free, low-fat, and full fat.  Sweeteners from sugar, to honey, to lab created artificial supplements, and even no sugar in some savory versions.  Extra protein, gluten-free, even dairy free.  From organic yogurt from a goat named Gertrude to synthetic concoctions filled with Captain Crunch and Oreo crumbs.

And pretty much any flavor you can imagine is available for purchase

I like bigger flavors, like salted caramel and black cherry, which can cover any strong, yogurt-y tang.  And I always pick the chiffon-style.  Then I get to work tarting it up.The easiest and quickest way to do this is to have the dairy act as a dip for graham crackers.  Most of the time, though, I really get busy with it.I add fresh blueberries for brightness.  I add dried fruit for chewiness, and pecans for crunch.  I then stir in a tablespoon or so of chia seeds because they swell up when they sit in the fridge for a half hour.  Once activated, they’re just like tapioca, and I love the gelled pop they add.

Some of the factory fancified yogurt varieties can have up to 500 calories, so I steer clear—if I want that many calories, I’ll spend it on a stack of 15 or 20 pancakes, drenched in butter and syrup.But Chobani has something called “Simply 100 Crunch”.  The peach cobbler tastes like fresh, ripe peaches, only contains 100 calories, and shockingly, includes real peaches.

So, I’ve never owned a pair of yoga pants, The Kid has never played soccer, and I don’t drive a mini-van.  But gosh darn it, I can get behind some frou frou, fancy-schmancy yogurt.Oh yeah, ogre?  That’s how The Kid used to pronounce yogurt.

Oh yeah, ogre?  That’s how The Kid used to pronounce yogurt.

No that’s an ogre I can get behind.  Except for that damn black (blood) pudding.

Thanks for your time.

Happy to meet you

Today was a red letter Durham day.

Petey and I ate brunch at Watts Grocery.  I am a huge fan of Chef Amy Tornquist’s restaurant and her brunch is just about the best one in town.

But it was our lunch companions who were the big story.

About three years ago, I wrote about one of the more painful experiences of my life.  It was the night Petey took a friend and me for one of his favorite dishes.  It’s an extremely regional dish called yok.

Yok is basically spaghetti topped with a volcanic, almost caustic sauce in which Texas Pete plays an essentially solo part.  It’s gleefully tortuous entering your body and enthusiastically anguish-inducing when exiting.

yok

After the column appeared, I was contacted by a reader.

Donald Long is the director of solid waste management for Durham.  He is from Elizabeth City and graduated from the same high school that I did.  Confusingly and dishearteningly, he’s also a fan of yok.  I guess like Petey, he enjoys playing practical jokes on his mouth.

We’ve emailed back and forth since then, and last Christmas he reached out to me.  While racking his brains for a present for his wife, Autrice, he had an idea—and it involved me.

Since his wife also reads the column, he wanted to introduce his home girl (me), to his bride (Autrice).  Could I share a meal with them?  I was to be her holiday gift.

xmas list

Until I heard from Donald, I would’ve put myself at the tippy-top of the list above…

That poor woman.  I’d rather find socks under the tree or even a subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.

But Donald assured me that I wouldn’t be the coal in her stocking—he actually thought Autrice would like it.

Frankly, I was taken aback.  Donald knew and acknowledged the request sounded a little out there.  But he assured me that he wasn’t a resident of a mental health facility, he was gainfully employed, and his wife was an actual living person—neither invisible nor a volleyball sporting a wig and lipstick.

I decided to do it, and boy am I glad I did.

They are a delightful couple.  They are warm, interesting, and like me, lovers of food.  We laughed throughout brunch, and practically shut the joint down.  Autrice is a member of the AKA sorority (in college, all my best girlfriends were AKA).  They’re friends with Durham’s cutest couple; Jose and Becky Lopez with whom, a couple months ago, I had a food chat.

Donald belongs to a kind of steak-of-the-month club.  April’s cut is a tomahawk or cowboy steak.  It’s a ribeye steak, usually very, very thick.  The bone is about 6-8 inches long, left exposed, and Frenched (stripped and cleaned), which gives it its eponymous shape.

I gave him my technique for making a cheap steak taste expensive, and taking an expensive cut of meat to a whole new level.

Home dry-aging

Freeze the steak completely.  Three or four days before cooking, heavily salt frozen meat on all sides.  Very loosely wrap in three or four paper towels, place on a plate and put it on lowest shelf of the fridge.  Take it out of the refrigerator an hour before cooking so it can come to room temp.  The meat will look dried out, but that’s exactly what you’re looking for.

This is a dry-aged prime riib, from where the tomahawk comes.  See how the meat is darker and there’s no blood?

Season with freshly cracked black pepper and cook it in some butter in a smoking hot cast iron pan using a weight on the steak so the entire surface will have contact with the skillet and develop a beautiful crust.  Check interior temperature with a probe and flip when it gets close to 100 degrees.  Cook to 135-140 for medium rare. Let it rest 5-10 minutes out of the skillet before serving to let the meat relax and the juices to redistribute.

Sitting on the couch in my sweats this column is written in a kind of a vacuum.  But I love it when readers contact me.  Especially when they are as kind and funny as the Longs.

But maybe he really isn’t the picture of total mental health he said he was, because at one point during lunch, Donald, with a completely straight face, referred to me as a celebrity.

This, Donald, is celebrity.  I think I’ll pass…

I think the man needs to get out more, and maybe watch a little TV.

Thanks for your time.