Coming Attractions

There are so many choices it practically induces entertainment induced paralysis.The old school options of cable and satellite have stations numbering in the hundreds of thousands.  With internet options, those numbers increase to the millions.

And that’s not even counting sites like Youboob, with countless hours of classic television uploaded by producers and fans alike.

To take some of the angst from the process, it helps to have a guide with helpful descriptions of the quality programming available.  Here’s a small sampling of such a guide.

Classic Shows:Gilligan’s Island: The castaways are finally rescued and return to civilization.  Having been declared dead, the Howells are no longer millionaires.  Ginger finds Hollywood has moved on and roles have dried up.  No one wants to hire the captain of the Minnow and the skipper becomes a derelict who haunts the waterfront, looking for odd jobs.  The professor and Mary Ann move to Colorado and open a marijuana dispensary.  Gilligan parlays his fifteen minutes into a successful long-running reality show and eventually marries a Kardashian.Happy Days: Milwaukee is shocked when Mrs. C and The Fonz reveal their secret love and run off to Hawaii to open a shark-jumping school.  Richie moves to a small town in North Carolina and becomes sheriff.  Ralph and Potsie become Uber drivers, and Mr. C eventually finds love again with Pinky Tuscadero.

Gun Smoke: Marshal Dillion has a professional crisis when he realizes that Miss Kitty may run a saloon downstairs, but upstairs is Dodge City’s most successful house of ill repute and he’s never realized it.  Matt leaves town and becomes an itinerant preacher leaving Festus to take over as marshal.

New Offerings:

What’s for dinner?: A new competition show where a working mom has 20 minutes to make dinner for a ravenous family of five with only eight items in the pantry and three in the fridge.  The moms will battle the clock, the varied tastes of the family, and Pizza Hut on speed dial.  The prize for the winner is to do it all over again the next day

Howe Two: Watch the glamorous life of Benjamin Howe II, the best-selling author of dozens of instruction manuals and owner’s guides.  Along with spunky assistant Cissy, he solves cases of missing warranties, sock devouring dryers and dull lawn mower blades.  Our plucky team is overseen by Ben’s no-nonsense editor, “Ink” Rogers, who’s also dating Ben’s eccentric mother, Ann Howe.

The Royal Court: Join the gorgeous, seductive crew staffing the food court at King’s Mall in Sacramento.  Hollywood’s hottest young actors and actresses will discover love, life and heartbreak among the hot dogs, pretzels, and soft serve in this drama set in the fanciest mall in California’s capital city.Ruff Planet: An exciting new science fiction show about life on a planet run by intelligent canines.  Emperor Sparky attempts to rule while dealing with battling litters and their power hungry mothers.  Will palace intrigue bring down the monarchy from within?  Or will a rebel band of mixed breeds and their feline allies bring about the fall of the government?

This is only a very small sampling of the myriad of video diversion available today.  If you started watching right now and never took your eyes off the screen, it would take thousands of years to see everything, and dozens of new productions are released every day.

Thinking of everything I’m missing at this very moment is enough to make my head spin.  But, I think I’ve got it figured out.  I’m going outside, and gonna sit under a tree with a book.Thanks for your time.

Keep Calm and Beauty On

Welcome to my spa!

We offer treatments from around the globe and the mists of time.  Step away from the stress of the real world, and slip into pure tranquility.  After media and popular culture make you feel tired, old, and/or unattractive, bring us the deed to your home, and a shiny new credit card, and we will make you look rested and average.

Here are just a few of the services we offer:

Have a smile like the Sumatran women in the Mentawai tribe.  We will chisel each of your teeth to pointy perfection. This treatment uses no anesthetic and dirty tools, because what’s a little risk of infection and blood loss when beauty is your goal?Feeling a little clodhopper-y?  We offer the authentic 1000-year-old practice of Chinese foot binding.  In a series of slightly uncomfortable treatments, we fold the front half of your feet over and secure them with wet bandages.  After only months of treatment, you will have achieved delicate lotus feet that will fit in tea cups.  *Uncomfortable is a subjective term.  Your pain level may vary.

Are you unhappy with your complexion?  We offer a 15 minute Bangkok face-slapping/pinching treatment that will tighten pores and increase circulation, all for the low, low price of $350.  Don’t risk getting slapped by amateurs, give us a visit.Don’t hang around bee hives for the do-it-yourself version.  Come see us for bee venom therapy.  We offer either a cream infused with venom, or you can use our experienced, professional bees who sting like they know what they’re doing.

Embarrassed by an unsightly mustache?  Take it off the Elizabethan way!  We use a potent mix of quicklime and arsenic.  No hair will ever dare darken your upper lip again. Especially effective when used in conjunction with…Our lead-mercury based foundation.  If you desire cadaver-like pallor or the silvery sheen of an android, this compound is for you.  For the facial flip-side, we also offer the 19th century alternative of ingesting arsenic for the ruddy glow of health.

Trying to keep off the pounds this holiday season?  We offer the no-fail diet successfully employed by opera diva Maria Callas.    Swallow a small handful of tapeworm eggs and buy a belt.  While producing millions of offspring and growing up to twenty feet in length, they will consume your food from the inside.Do you love animals?  We employ more than bees.  For softer, clear skin, we release fifty snails to slither their slimy way over your face.  Or snakes will dance over your body for a massage you’ll never forget.  *Non-venomous snakes can be used for a small additional fee

Once you’re relaxed from the massage, we use the trendy Chinese treatment of releasing toxins and depilating with flaming cloths laid over your body until our professional attendant judges the time is right to put you out.

We offer soaks and baths of beer, chocolate, or caviar.  You can sit in dinner, drinks and dessert.I don’t really own a spa, but all of the above are actual treatments, some of which are from as far back as ancient Egypt, and some can be booked at spas around the world today.

As for my own beauty advice, I have this: eat healthfully, wear sunscreen, work up a sweat a couple times a week, and treat everyone you meet with kindness and respect.

Except for that guy who wants to smack you around for $350.  Him, you can point at and laugh.Thanks for your time.