Petey and I alternate getting up and walking the dog. I know we do. It’s his turn every other day. So why is it that it seems like it’s my sleep-deprived carcass rolling out of bed and pulling on my sneaks every single day? Is it some kind of Jedi mind trick Petey’s working on me?
“Easy Crowley…the UPS man is going around the corner. It’s okay, Buddy.” How does a dog have a super hero-level nemesis? Is it the big brown truck? The knees? Why and how does every person in this neighborhood get five or six packages every single day? If it’s not UPS, it’s FedEx or the Amazon guy.
Do people never actually go into stores? Have they never experienced the joy of eating cold sub-par pizza while sneaking peeks of the cute guy at Orange Julius? How did they fall in love? Where did they work soul-sucking part-time jobs for gas and tennis shoe money?
All of these deflated blow-up Christmas decorations around here. It looks like the last stand of the Santa Village massacre. They might take up a lot of space when they’re all inflated, but they get no credit in my very own Griswald Christmas decoration lunacy scale. They take no work or creativity.
I want holiday decorations that take time, sweat and possess the very real possibility of falling off a ladder and spending Christmas in traction.
When I left the house I was freezing. It’s warmed up so much that if I take off any more layers and tie them around my waist I’ll be arrested for indecent exposure.
“Crowley! That is not a dog. That is a plastic reindeer, it does not want to be your friend, and you’re making us both feel uncomfortable. Knock it off, and get over here!”
How is it so dark at 5:30? It seems like just a few months ago it was light ‘til 8:30 at night.
“Crowley, I am happy to take you to visit your friends. But you need to make up your mind whether or not they actually are friends of yours. I will not stop and visit with somebody so that you can stand six feet away from them and bark for ten minutes. That’s just plain rude.”
That guy’s lights over his garage are listing like a sinking ship. He’s either really unobservant or had imbibed in a bit too much Christmas cheer before he got up there with a stapler gun. I don’t know, maybe it was intentional—it is kind of festive, in an amusing, too much egg nog kind of way.
That “As seen on TV” searchlight, holiday flood light thing is unsettling. I think it’s supposed to be holly and berries sweeping back and forth over the front of their house. But it looks disturbingly like a radioactive swarm of extra-terrestrial termites at an all-you-can-eat wood buffet.
“It’s too dark to play ball right now, Buddy. I’m sorry…ok, we’ll play right here under the street light. Nope. Too dark. I just picked up what I thought was the ball, and it turned out to be a big, slimy, exploding toadstool.”
No way! The crankiest, most anti-social guy in the neighborhood; the man about whom everybody will say “we absolutely saw it coming” when the news shows up; the misanthrope who I only heard laugh once and which scared the heck out of me, has decorated for Christmas and put up lights. This I never, ever saw coming. Crowley my big baby, I think we may be witnessing a Scrooge redemption moment.
It’s a Christmas miracle!
Thanks for your time.
Contact debbie at firstname.lastname@example.org.