The Wrath of Mom (well, this mom anyway)

I normally go throughout my day with an optimistic attitude and a sunny disposition.

While you probably couldn’t hold a magnifying glass up to me to start a fire, I’m plenty sunny enough to give a pale redheaded kid a respectable sunburn.

But, Gentle Reader, as the thermometer and humidity begin to rise in tandem, my attitude and patience sink in inverse proportions.  I have all the generosity of Martin Shkreli and the good will of trash can dweller Oscar the Grouch.For everyone’s protection, I really shouldn’t spend extended time around anyone.  I was going to say humans, but this time of year, even squirrels and other innocent woodland creatures kinda get on my nerves.

Because the culinary arena is my jam, it seems that annoying food topics pinch the hardest.  When provoked, I have been known to yell at the TV and stomp from the room like a spoiled child thwarted for the very first time.So, what I need is a new rule: from late April to mid-October, television talking heads need to get their facts straight, or fear my wrath.  And when I say wrath, I’m not messing around.  It can include anything from a vigorous fist shaking, up to and including changing the channel or leaving the room.

There are two categories that really set me off—tea and family.  Just wait, I promise I’m going somewhere with this.People that try to seem particularly fancy and drink their tea with pinky extended.  Yeah, don’t do that.  The only people who do this are either ignorant or ill-bred poseurs.

But the biggy, the one that has literally has me yelling, stomping, and wishing for the offending skull to thump, is the criminal misuse of the phrase ‘high tea’.  If, Gentle Reader, you remember only one thing I’ve ever talked about, please, I beg you, let it be this.High tea is not extra fancy and enjoyed only by toffs (aristocrats and landed gentry).  It is an evening meal eaten by working-class blokes.  It usually consists of meat and a few side dishes.  It’s eaten around 6PM or so because they go to bed much sooner and rise earlier than the wealthier classes.  The fancy swells actually indulged in “low tea”.It’s denoted high or low tea all because of a piece of furniture.  The heavier meal-type tea is “high” because it’s eaten at a dining, or high table.  The repast termed low is eaten in arm chairs, with the tea and lighter foods laid out on a lower table; what we Americans call a coffee table.

The second frustration is something everyone has been guilty of, myself included.  And that fact is what drives me up the wall.

It’s when someone says, “Food is very important in my family, or culture, or geographical area”.What a shock.  Gosh, nobody else in the history of humanity has ever eaten, or considered food important—just you guys.  Y’all must be brilliant.

Here’s a news flash, Scooter.  The fact that we are still here, walking the earth means that everybody that came before, all of them, discovered that food and the eating of it is important.  The food thing isn’t a secret.So, knock it off.

This time of year, I acknowledge and accept that I get unreasonably cranky.  My tolerance for others begins and ends with my dog—and sometimes even he gets on my nerves.  So, until we get that nip in the air that means fall is just around the corner, I try to limit my exposure.

To everyone.Thanks for your time.