July Fourth

Fire & Ice

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I don’t know why, but I get tapped for grill duty at every family cookout.Unlike the bright red I desire in a steak, I like my burgers cooked a heretical medium-well, crispy on the outside, cooked through in the middle.  And medium-well burgers are a mortal sin to 99% of food folks.

So, I possess no burger cred.And I don’t even like grilled hot dogs.  I’m a steamed girl.So, there’s no frankfurter cred, either.

But still, every cookout finds me standing over fire, attempting to resist smoke inhalation-induced swoonage.  No matter what, a smoky cloud envelops me like a meat-accented shroud.Because of the ongoing grill-induced trauma, the foods I’ve picked for a 4th of July cookout don’t need an attendant; just a little prep.  This also means they can be put together well in advance.

Piggy pocketspork pockets1 small boneless pork shoulder (5 pounds or so)

3-4 pounds small red skin or Yukon gold potatoes

1 bag undressed coleslaw from the produce department

2 sweet onions, thinly sliced

½ cup beer (your choice, darker beer has stronger flavor)

2 tablespoons Dijon mustard

Salt and pepper

Heat grill to 275-300.

Cut pork and unpeeled potatoes into 2-inch cubes.  Put all the cubes into zip-top bag.  Whisk together beer and mustard.  Season.  Pour beer mixture over pork and taters.  Close and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.  When ready to make packets, divide into 10 equal portions.

Cut ten large pieces of foil (about 14-16 inches).  On one half of the foil, scatter ¾ cup dry cole slaw.  Sprinkle with pinch of salt & pepper.  Lay a couple slices of onion over veg.  Top with one portion of pork and potatoes.Seal packs and cook on heated grill for one hour.  Serve them closed so guests can open their own packets.

Mexican street corn

Stir together sauce:street corn cream¾ cup mayonnaise

¾ cup light sour cream

3 cloves of garlic, minced

Juice of 1 lime

Salt & pepper 

Refrigerate covered, up to a few days, until ready to serve corn.mexicorn

10 ears corn, cut in half

20 bamboo skewers, which have been soaked in cold water overnight

Chili powder

1/3 cup cilantro leaves

1 cup crumbly cotija cheese

Skewer each piece of corn. 

When the pork has been cooking almost an hour, move packs to warming area of grill.

Place corn on hottest part of the grill and cook 15-20 minutes, turning frequently to lightly char all sides.When cooked, paint mayo-sour cream over corn, then sprinkle with chili powder, cotija and cilantro.  Serves 10-12.

Served right out of the blender, this next treat is a soft serve dead ringer for Disney’s Dole Whip.  As popsicles, they are terrific, but if you have the palate for it, the added jalapeño makes it a unique sweet/heat frozen confection.

Pop-goes the firecracker-siclesdolesicles

8 cups frozen pineapple chunks

2 8-ounce tubs frozen fat-free Cool Whip

2 teaspoons vanilla

Pinch of salt

Jalapeños (optional)

Rum (optional)

Let pineapple and whipped topping sit out for 10 minutes to soften slightly.Place topping into the blender bowl first.  Add pineapple and salt.  Blend until almost smooth.  At this point, you can add the jalapeños, then continue blending until smooth and silky.

For cocktails instead of popsicles, blend in the rum, approximately 8 shots.  Then serve in 8 tall chilled glasses.Otherwise, pour mixture into 12 popsicle molds and allow them to freeze solid.  Can be kept frozen for up to a week.

With this holiday cookout menu, you can get everything ready days before the shindig. This means that when your guests arrive, your work is done, and you can enjoy your own party without all the smoke and the need for periodic resuscitation in the form of handsome paramedics bearing oxygen.  Can you say out-Martha-ing Martha?

Yay, go you!

Quick!  Where the hell are those charcoal briquettes!

Thanks for your time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Liberté, égalité, blueberry

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While in office as president of France, Charles De Gaulle said, “How can you govern a country which has two hundred and forty-six varieties of cheese?”

Currently there are over 600 distinct types in production there.  And they take their cheese very seriously.

They have a government agency which tightly restricts cheese and many other products.  Once a food has this designation, you just can’t produce it anywhere or in any manner willy-nilly.

Authentic brie has to be made in the Ile de France.  And, the milk can only come from a cow.  No goat, sheep, or whale milk allowed (it really exists and I would totally pay to see somebody milk a whale).

They don’t mess around when it comes to carbs, either.

Boulangeries are bread bakeries.  And the French government has some very strong ideas on the making and selling of it.  Just to be called a boulangerie, each location must choose their own flour, knead their own dough, and bake on premises.

The bake shops in France are separated into two groups.  In one group everyone must vacation in July, the other, August.  This is to make sure all the bakeries won’t close at the same time.  The only other business considered this essential to the welfare of the people of France is pharmacies.  They too, are on staggered vacation schedules.

Sugar is taken quite seriously, as well.  Most French folk purchase sugary baked goods at a place called a patisserie.  To be called a patisserie the shop must employ a licensed maître pâtissier (master pastry chef), who has gone through lengthy training, apprenticeship, and a long and difficult written test.  There are combination boulangerie/patisserie shops, but they must adhere to all the rules for both types of shops.

Did you know the French helped our fledgling nation during its struggle for independence in many vital ways?

They supplied 90% (you read that right—90) of the gunpowder used by the Colonists.

Contrary to being a bunch of “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”, they sent over more than 250,000 soldiers, including Lafayette and Rochambeau.  French ships threw up a blockade that almost kept the British Navy bottled up in their harbors in England.

I’ve often thought that many in the ruling elite probably regretted this martial assistance when two years after the Americans “brexitted” English rule, the French people revolted and years of chaos and slaughter ensued.

So this week to celebrate our own independence and express gratitude with the French, I have created a French dessert; a galette, a rustic, free form pie, with brie.  There’s an American thrust in the choice of fruit, and the store-bought nature of the crust (using my God-given right as an American to half-ass it).

Old Glory galette

galette

1 refrigerated pie crust

8 ounces brie

1 ½ cup fresh blueberries

1 cup frozen cherries, thawed and drained

2 teaspoons very finely minced fresh rosemary

Juice and zest of one lemon

Pinch of salt

2 tablespoons light brown sugar

1 beaten egg

2 tablespoons sanding sugar: a large grain decorating sugar that sparkles and won’t dissolve while baking

Preheat oven to 350.  Place parchment paper on a cookie sheet.

Lay the crust into the center of the parchment-lined sheet.Cut the rind off the brie and cut into strips about ¼ X 2 inches.  Leaving a 2 ½ inch border around the outside of the crust, layer the brie onto the crust.

In a bowl, combine blueberries, cherries, rosemary, lemon zest, salt, and brown sugar.  Spoon 2/3 of the mixture over the brie.

Fold the border of the crust up and around the outer edge.  Put the rest of the berry/cherries on the center of the galette.

Brush the crust with the beaten egg and sprinkle with the sanding sugar.

Bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown and bubbly.  Let sit 10 minutes before slicing.  Serves 6.

This is a festive, easy dessert for a July 4th picnic or cookout.  And if you want to get all French-ified and fancy, make your own pastry dough, and make six individual galettes.

And when you serve them, you speak in a French accent.  Just like Pepe le Pew.

Thanks for your time.

Patriotic Party Guest

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You can ask The Kid, and there will be full confirmation—I am a corny, kitschy, sentimentalist.

When Petey and I travel, we both love to do the touristy thing.  I’m the girl that would totally stop at World’s Largest Jack-in-the-Box (Middletown, CT), the Indian Death Tiki of Awesomeness (Maggie Valley, NC), and spend the night in dog shaped digs at the Dog Bark Park Inn (Cottonwood, ID) or beneath boulders at Kokopelli’s Cave Bed & Breakfast (Farmington, NM).

OMG, I love these things…

Each fall I literally do a happy dance in the grocery store the first time I see the mellow-creme pumpkins on sale (and don’t even start–they are a completely different confection from candy corns).

I buy one loaf of spongy white, Sunbeam or Wonder bread a year.  It’s used to make my annual Thanksgiving night, before bed, turkey sandwich.

My sweater is exactly like the one in the middle.  Yes, folks, it’s so bad they put it in a very famous Saturday Night Live sketch (I owned it before the sketch).

At Christmastime, I watch hours and hours of fifty-year-old cartoon and Claymation holiday-themed productions.  Each year, If not physically restrained by Petey, I would happily perch on Santa’s lap for a nice, long chat.  I own a Christmas sweater so ugly it’s illegal in 25 states and actually has functioning bells on it.

So when there is a barbecue or picnic for the Fourth of July, you darn well better believe that there will be food, beverages, décor and fashion in red, white, and blue.

For dessert, I buy Independence Day hued M&M’s and liberally scatter them, along with handfuls of broken pretzel pieces, on top of my dark chocolate, fudgy brownies.  And I serve Sundaes with homemade vanilla ice cream drenched in fresh cherry and blueberry sauces.

Blue historically, has been hard to find in savory foods.  I guess there’s blue cheese, and I like it fine, but it’s only blue because of mold; which isn’t really very festive when you think about it.

About fifteen years ago, the US was introduced to a colorful new spud.  Even though it’s known as a purple Peruvian potato, don’t be fooled.  Most of them are as blue as the moon in Kentucky, Elvis’ suede shoes, and a K Mart special.

Uncle Sam’s potato salad

red white blue spud salad

3 pound purple/blue potatoes

2 tablespoons olive oil

Juice of half a lemon

Salt and pepper

24 ounces Cherub baby tomatoes, left whole

8 ounces goat cheese crumbled

5 or 6 slices bacon, cooked crisp and crumbled

Leaving on the skin, cut the potatoes into bite-size piece and cook in heavily salted, boiling water until fork-tender (15-20 minutes).  When still hot, toss with 2 tablespoons olive oil and lemon juice.  Season, and taste for seasoning. 

Let cool completely then put into a large bowl with tomatoes.

Dressing

lemon herb dressing

Whisk together:

1/2 cup olive oil

1/4 cup mayonnaise

1/4 cup lemon juice

2 tablespoons parsley, chopped

1 tablespoon fresh mint, chopped

1 tablespoon fresh basil, chopped

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Refrigerate dressing for at least two hours.

Thirty minutes before service, add dressing to potato/tomato mixture, a little at a time until the vegetables are lightly coated.  Gently mix in goat cheese.  Cover and let sit indoors at room temperature (not outside, where it’s hot, you don’t want a trip to the emergency room for dessert).

Before service, sprinkle the bacon on top.  This way it will still be crispy when eaten.  Serves 8-10.

And if you don’t get it together for the fourth, don’t fret.  This potato salad also works for Bastille Day, on the 14th.  Though, you should probably call it Frere Jacques potato salad.

Thanks for your time.